Shambles In The Big Easy

I am writing this from New Orleans.  I am here for a conference.  I’ll be here for the weekend.  Already some truly incredible things have happened, namely I met an ex that I thought I would never have the opportunity to meet.   This particular ex was one that I truly loved.

 

She is someone that I connected with at a deeper level BEFORE I was even able to understand what it means to “connect.”  We met over 5 years ago.  She worked where I worked. We hit it off famously.  She does stand up comedy on occasion, even to this day.  We dated for about two weeks.  Then I broke things off because I was uncertain about how lasting my attraction for her would be.

 

I was a different person then.  I was firmly ensconced in a “getting” mindset.  I did not know that at the time, of course.  I considered her responsible for my fulfillment.  And, well, if I assessed the situation and felt that she could not provide me what I needed, then I would have to break it off.  So, I did.  She promptly started dating another guy, whom she has recently married.

 

We stopped talking once I left my job.  We would talk scantly.  Our interactions where complicated by the fact that I was completely in love with her.  I loved her in the most pure way than I have ever loved, up to that point in my life.  She was not my type, physically.  But, still, her personality and our connection were so strong that I could not help but feel attraction.  I wish I had had A.I. back then.  I might have not allowed what happened between us to have happened.  I may instead sitting here with a wife.  But, as luck would have it, I am here in my hotel room feeling bewildered at what has just happened. There is much more I’ll share about the specific insights I have come to when I return from my trip and have a some time to write a proper post.

 

But,until then, a tease…

 

I met her tonight, for the first time in 5 years.  I hugged her for a long time….a long time.  I cried a bit, too.  Fuck it.  It’s how I feel.  If she can’t deal, then that’s on her.  I’m living my truth.  I could not think of anything to say.  I just hugged her.  I held her.  Yeah, she is married, but I am not trying to “get” with her…I’m just expressing physically what I cannot and was unable to express verbally for over 5 years.

 

Right now my emotions are very raw.  The way I felt with her tonight was once of the most amazing feelings.  But, look, this has NOTHING to do with her.  This has more to do with how I feel and what kinds of experiences that I enjoy and want more of.  Obviously, being around her I’m able to feel a sense of freedom that I have been unable to feel much of my life.

 

As I said, there is much more to write about….but, right now, I’m still recovering from our meeting.  So this is a tease.

 

I’ll be in New Orleans for a few more days.

 

Oh, and BTW, I have one major goal: To be in my world on my terms, answering only to myself, living my truth.

 

I also have challenged myself to meet 8 women while I am here at the conference.

 

Stay tuned…