Attraction is About Connection

Since the start of the year I’ve made conscious efforts to remain as focused as possible, in every moment, on what I want.  And by this “what I want” I mean what feelings I am desiring in any moment. I want to share some results of this mode of “intentional” living.

 

It was not long ago that I was beginning this A.I. journey (just over a year).  Along the way I came to realize that so much “pain” in my life was tied back to a deep sense of loneliness, of feeling like I could not connect with women I desire.  Before A.I. and all the work of taking actions, facing fears, meditating on my wants and desires, of getting clear on what my truth is, of who I am and of how I want my world to be, I would see women that I desire and desperately want to connect with them.  I wanted them to “complete” my life, to fill a void-like feeling of loneliness.

 

I was completely needy.  And what is worse is that I often did not know how needy I was.  Thankfully, one of the best tools I’ve learned through A.I. is how to make sense of emotional reactions, how to use strong emotional reactions as sign posts for getting to know what deep desires lay beneath those surface level emotions.  Neediness had become my mode of existence, my underlying tone of life.  Having this tone of life uncritically playing out within the background of my awareness, becoming my very “way of life” and how I experienced the world,  made certain experiences “appear” more vividly to my conscious awareness than others.  What I am referring to when I say  “certain experiences appear more vividly” are those moments when I would have strong emotional reactions to my external world.  I want to share some strong emotional reactions from my more needy “tone of life,” before A.I.

 

*Texting a girl.  Text a girl, then feel anxious, possibly angry, when she does not respond within seconds (this feeling grows the longer she does not respond)

 

*A girl says she does not “like you in that way.”  She is open and honest enough to say she does not want a sexual connection with me. I would feel instantly lonely, worthless, and uncertain about any other area of my life.  I’d go home and sit in the silence of just how much I suck, of how unattractive I am, and I would feeling like never speaking to that girl again.

 

*A chance hello.  A girl says hello to me. My mind instantly runs to imagine what it would be like to be your boyfriend.  The classic oneitis.

 

* Jealousy.  If I’m dating a girl and she shows attention to other guys, then feeling uncomfortable, weak, or powerless. My mind instantly thinking: She’s not in to me.  I am not good enough.

 

These are just a few behaviors that, at the time, felt so natural or so “normal.”  In this mode of living, I was reacting to my world like a prisoner of other people’s realities.  Some event would “happen” (for instance, a girl rejects me), I would have a strong emotional reaction: Anger/frustration etc..) and I’d understand those emotions as being ONLY a normal, matter of fact, feature of that event (that is, of her rejecting me).  I mean, “who wouldn’t feel frustration in this moment”? Right? Well, maybe, only if you do not mind living on other people’s terms.  Think about it: who is this “who” when we reason, “WHO wouldn’t feel frustration in this moment?” Who is this WHO?

 

It is NO ONE!  It is NOBODY.  It is a generalized “who” whose emotional reactions to being rejected are what we assume to be the way that “most people” would react.  But here’s the damn thing: I am not a people in general and I never experience my life as a simply and ONLY a general “I.”  And, moreover, other people (especially women I find attractive) are NOT people in general, but real living human beings with unique stories to share and tell, with unique modes of living out their lives.

 

There was thus nothing “natural” or “matter of fact” about the feelings I felt when being rejected.  Those strong emotional reactions are the result of a general needy mode of living, a mode that made some mythical “other people” the justification for having that emotional reaction.  In short: I was not living intentionally.

 

Living intentionally means living with a constant focus on what it is that I want in the moment and going after that.  Its about pursuing a feeling and having the courage to take the actions that I want to give myself the experience that I desire.

 

As a result of not living intentionally, I would often attract women that were likewise not living intentionally.  I would attract relationships with people who were like me: needy. Friendships became about what you could “get” from each other rather than what you can give and share.  Attraction was about getting something from the other person.  It was never about leading, only following, of “taking what you could get.”I would attract women that were still figuring out what they wanted, who they were, and moreover, were likewise living without intentionality, often simply jumping from guy to guy in an effort to “get” what they wanted in the moment.

 

Over the past year, I’ve been developing a more intentional way of living. Focusing on what experience of the world I want, I have become much more aware of what my strong emotional reactions mean.  As a result, I’ve been able to GIVE MYSELF what I want rather than having to get it from friends, family, or women.

 

For me, at this point in my life, I’m all about developing connections experiences.  I want to create a world where others feel comfortable to speak who they are, to express who they are, to open up who they are when they are around me.  Hell, perhaps even when they are not around me.  But the point is, I’ve been working for the past year to attract women who are not afraid to be vulnerable or allow those women who have felt the need to be closed off to be more open.  Either way, for me, its been a year of focusing on connection.

 

An interesting thing is happening.  More and more women have begun opening up to me.  I seem to be attracting women who are not afraid to share who they are.  Now, it’s not that ALL women find themselves completely comfortable around me, in fact a good number do not.  But, it is that those women who are open to being open sense that I am available and capable of giving them what they want, if they want it.  In short, I am attracting women who know what they want and not attracting women who are wallowing in the neediness of some general mode of living.  I am attracting women who are likewise living intentionally, with purpose and some idea of what it is that they want.

 

I am attracting the women that my mode of living has allowed for.  By changing the way I engage my world, I am able to be available and “attractive” for those women who are living their life at a similar tone. It is a really wild insight to experience.

 

So, now, I want to move forward with this a bit more.  Yes, I am attracting women who are not afraid to go after what they want or afraid to express their desires, but I want something more now.  I have this experience of connection, but what is missing is Sexual connection…

 

This type of women knows what they want and if they DO NOT want sexual connection, then they will not be open an available to that.  This type of woman, strong, confident, intentional, sexy women are new to me.  Or, maybe I should say, I am new to engaging my world in a strong, confident, intentional manner.  Pushing the buttons of a woman who is needy is easy, because, well, you can almost BS your way to give them what they need, but women who live with purpose….well…I’m working on this….

 

stay tuned…