On Being Just Friends

If you haven’t seen the cartoon to the left here on the A.I. Blog, check it out. here: Just “Friends”.   This is a situation that I’ve been in in my past.  I would remain friends with a girl, particularly one that had rejected me, in the fond hope that one day she would come around and see what a great guy I am.  Those were tough times.

Recently, I’ve been faced with  similar situations with regard to remaining friends with “ex’s,” or girls who simply once felt attraction for me but now no longer do.  When I began my A.I. journey I had one particular emotional sign post in mind as a way of gauging my growth: being able to be “cool” and fun with girls who were once in to me but were no longer “in” to me in that “that way.”

In my past, I would cut off any girl who was no longer in to me.  I would literally just stop speaking to them.  If I saw them, I would treat them like furniture, there but irrelevant.   Even more than that I would often avoid going to places where I know they might be because to see them would feel like being rejected all over again.  It would hurt to see them because I NEEDED them and they wanted nothing to do with me in the way I needed them to be.  So, in a strange way, I would demonize them, holding them accountable for the suffering born of my own neediness. They were responsible for my suffering.  There was no way I could even be friends with them because it just hurt too much.

When I was working out my One Perfect Day during Get Real, I remember working in a few unsuccessful interactions with women.  I wanted to become “cool” with rejection.  And by this I do not mean that I am detached from the feelings of being rejected just that I could still stand strong and confident in the face of those feelings, knowing and feeling that it was them NOT me.  Well.  Somehow I’ve reached that point.  In the face of rejections I feel disappointment and sadness but it has NOTHING to do with me.  Besides, when I feel the loneliness of being rejected I know exactly what I want in that moment and I go after it a different way while accepting all the emotions I feel.

Coming to this point has allowed me to experience a major reframe of my past breakups and broken sexual connections with women.  I now can see that not only was I being needy, but that I was clearly not in a place where I can give and experience the women in my life for who they are rather than what they can give me or I can take from them.

As I move along my A.I. Journey, right now, I’m just wanting to connect with pretty and beautiful girls, girls who are smart and have a self awareness about them.  I’ve dated some beautiful women in my past and each one I cut out cold once it ended.  I did not like that.  So, over the past few months or so I started meeting with my ex’s of all varieties.

One girl in particular is THE girl.  THE ONE that set me on this A.I. Journey.  I thought I would NEVER come to a place where I could simply be present with her and NOT need to possess her, or take something from her.  Well, she is currently in town after having moved away.  The place she was staying got a bit too stressful and all dramatic, so I offered my place. She is using my place as a kind of “home base.”

Sure it didn’t work out between us in the past and I now know it has NOTHING to do with me.  There are any number of reasons why I didn’t work or even why it may never work, but I no longer even think of what those reasons could be, nor do I care.

I know one thing: I want to connect with women I find attractive.

Well, she is someone I find attractive, someone I still care for tons, and someone I respect. This is not about the future, of hoping that I can demonstrate to her something so I can try to get something from her.  This is not about saving her in someway to impress her into my arms. Its about having smart, beautiful women in my life.  She fits that.  So hell yes she can stay at my place!

This is about doing what I feel is the right thing for me.

She is just a friend.  And I do not NEED more from her. She needs only to simply be her.

She’s not the only girl who is a new “friend” for me right now.  There is another.  She also recently “rejected” me but is cool with being friends.  And so I’ve taken her up on that and it’s been a fucking blast!

See, I do not NEED these women in my life.  I WANT them in my life.  I do not NEED to be their friends, I WANT to be their friends.  The underlying motivation is what makes the difference between NEEDY friendship of the cartoon above (friends with strings attached) and just being friends enjoying each other, pure, simple, open.

Now…………don’t get me wrong….am I attracted to these women and do I desire them sexually? YES.  Very much so.  But do I NEED that from them? NO.  I WANT it.  Do they know this? Yes.  Do I hide my sexuality from them? NO.  I am still me and if I’m being true to myself, then I’m going to express my desire to them.

Sure someone might say: “Well you are demonstrating lower value” by expressing desire for women who do not want you. Or worse that I am “being used” by these women for companionship, safety, comfort.

To which I would say: I don’t need anything from them and I’m not trying to impress them to get something from them.  I’m just living a life where I’m doing what I want. And I would be living this same great life with or without them.  They can be a part of that, for as long as they want to be or I want them to be.   Either way, we’re having a blast!

It’s seems ok to be “friends.”  It’s only taken 25 years for me to work this out…but I have.