We are sick.

Rising numbers of people seem to be suffering from “Chronic Disconnection.”

A recent article appearing on the VICE website provided an expert explanation for why you feel lonely.

Pointing to a few other editorialized reports about research on loneliness in CNN, TIME, and The New York Times, the VICE article begins by announcing that “we are currently living through an epidemic of loneliness.”

So to help us understand this epidemic, VICE interviews Dr. Amy Banks one of the authors of the book, Wired to Connect: The Surprising Link Between Brian Science And Strong, Healthy Relationships.

Dr. Banks argues the cause of this epidemic is cultural conditioning that places a higher value on being independent than it does on being interdependent with others.

The solution to this problem is to avoid cultural conditioning to “stand alone at the top.”

In this post, I help shed light on how Dr. Bank’s has misidentified the cause of the problem.  Independence is not the problem.  It’s the paradoxical solution to chronic disconnection.

Real People’s Chronic Disconnection

Many clients I work with tend to believe that they simply are lonely, as if they just are a lonely person.

However, loneliness is not a thing you have or are.

Disconnection is a mood created when your ability (or lack thereof) to relate to others and the world around you in meaningful ways does not provide you with a fulfilling sense of connection.

Feeling disconnected means that you have an ineffective pathway for creating and experiencing meaningful relationship experiences.

Feeling lonely in real-time can reveal your general lack of skill in creating experiences of meaningful connections with the people you have in your life.

If you’re really an expert at not having the skills to create fulfilling connections, then over time this lack of connection becomes “chronic” (just as “chronic is defined as “persisting over a long time”).

The cause of Chronic Disconnection is a lack of skills for experiencing connection with people.

Interdependence Is NOT Dependence

Dr. Banks argues that the real cause of chronic disconnection is not lack of skills for creating meaningful connections but that culture teaches us to value independence.  She says:

“people are taught that depending on one another, this interdependence, which is actually kind of the most essential human characteristic, gets labeled weak or too needy.”

She uses the words “dependence” and “interdependence” in this sentence as if they mean the same thing.   They do not.

Interdependence is impossible to avoid.  We are always already interdependent with others.  I agree with her that “it is an essential human characteristic.”

Yet, Dr. Banks is off track when she says the problem is that we value independence over interdependence.

Interdependence becomes ineffective dependence when you forget about your fundamental, and personal responsibility for being interdependent with others and the world around you.

Many of my clients feel disconnected.

They desire to feel connected.

The outcome they believe needs to occur in order to experience more connection in their life is to have lots of friends who like them and want to be around them.

The pathway they take to achieve this outcome is waiting for other people to open up to them, and typically to hold back their opinions and thoughts for fear that people will judge them.

The real problem for my clients is not independence, but dependence on other people’s responses for sourcing their experience of connection.  They are making other people responsible for their feelings of connection.

They lack experiential and emotional independence.

If we are indeed interdependent (and I truly believe so), then the real problem is not independence but FORGETTING about your personal responsibility in interdependence.

We are already interdependent because it is our nature, so get out of your way, handle your bullshit that blocks you from being open and free so you can allow yourself and others to be what is “essential” for us to be: connected.

Many Problems, A Single Solution

Dr. Banks believes that our cultural preoccupation with “being alone on top” is the cause of many problems at work and in relationships.

If a person could source their sense of power independently from how well they complete their work and how focused and productive they can be, rather than sourcing their power dependently through how much they can compete to move up in a company so they might feel powerful by bossing other people, how might this change the “preoccupation” one might have with “being alone at the top”?

The problem is not independence but a person’s use of a dependent pathway for pursuing what they want.

Independence is the solution.

Dr. Banks also says that independence leads to a “skewed reciprocity” in relationships because people become competitive in negotiating their wants and when arguing with their partners.

Ever feel that “twinge” in your gut when you feel you are giving more than you are receiving in a relationship?

What if instead of sourcing your sense connection dependently by expecting reciprocation in your relationships, you source your sense of connection independently by being fully present to the experience of your partner and giving them what they need?

What if instead of negotiating your wants with your partner so both of you feel like “you are on top,” you each already felt “on top” independently outside of the relationship, therefore freeing each of you to be more present and willing to act on each others needs inside the relationship?

Independence is the solution.

Expecting your partner to behave a certain way is less about them, and more about you wanting them to fit into your mold of who you want them to be.

It is the epitome of selfishness to depend on your partner to be a caretaker of your emotional good feelings.

If we are interdependent at our core, then why not instead give the people in your life the gift of a fulfilled, fun, and openly free and emotionally independent partner.

Seek not to take from your partner, but to give freely.

Be the kind of friend, partner, or family member who can give for the sheer joy of doing so without expectation of return on investment.

I admit, it is not easy to learn how to be satisfied with the joy of giving freely and being truly open and present to your partner’s wants.

Especially if you have not found your own, independent pathways for sourcing connection, fulfillment, and freedom outside of your relationship.

If you do not know how to give yourself the experiences you desire independently, then how will you expect to be able to give your partner what they desire and need?

If you and your partner take up the ownership of interdependence by finding your own emotional independence, imagine the possibilities of open, free connection, and giving possible!

Independence is the solution.

Give Independence A Try

If you currently tired of feeling chronically disconnected, it is likely that you just need to learn the skills of experiencing connection in more independent ways.

You might suffer from chronically disconnected because you are using dependent pathways for feeling close to the people they have in their lives and may not even know it.

If your current pathway for experiencing connection is not working for you, why not give independence a try?

Learn more about my coaching philosophy for developing experiential independence!

Or sign up for coaching now and I’ll teaching you!