So Fuck it…
The other night I met up with an ex, not just any ex. THE girl that I experienced who, through the experience, taught me that I am nowhere near the kind of guy I need to be for the kinds of women that I want in my life. It was really a clusterfuck of an experience.
The experience is well documented here. So what to do? Sit at home alone in my apartment just steeping in self pity and regret? Just sit at hone and think of “mournful or sorrowful and drawn out lamentations”? Efffffffff no! You go out and keep working toward living out your truth…even in spite of feeling like you are not ready.
Tonight I was motivated by good ole Mr. Anger. I will NOT sit down and let my own thoughts get the best of me. What to do? Go out and raise the stakes! Turn it up to 11! Go out to the very place she is likely to be. I have already proven to myself that I can survive and encounter with her. So, what is next? Push further. I went out tonight. I went right into the belly of the belly of the beast. What happened?
Simple. Good things! As I sat there a group of ladies I used to work with, one of which is model “hot,” found me sitting there at the bar. They blew up..literally blew up with excitement and the sight of me. It was nice. Hugs all around. Shots would follow. And at the end, nothing more than a few pleasurable moments on the dance floor.
Look. In the past, the other night would’ve sent me into a depressive spiral. Not this time. After GetReal and the few weeks of Be Powerful, I simply redirect my focus towards living the life that I WANT.
After all, my ex is no longer the girl I knew. That girl no longer exists. We’ve both grown older. Who I saw the other night might as well had been simply some random girl, but no longer the girl I once knew…the one that I once held close and who held me close, well, she is gone. All the emotions I felt and the sensations I felt when I saw her the other night did not come from her. They came from me, the manifestation of my purpose and my desires. She represents the kind of girl I want in my life. And, well, I still have not been able to develop a life where I feel a sense of confidence in my ability to attract and meet that type of girl. So, I heap all those wants and desires on the last girl that I had experience those emotions with: her. It is not something in her that makes me all nervous…it is something in me. Interpretation.
So I say: Fuck it. Literally “Fuck it.” Then, its all about actions. I am feeling even more powerful than ever for having the other night’s pain and frustration, for getting past it all and literally pushing past it last night and having a good time.
Just efff it…and live my truth with relentlessness…
What may be so hard for people to understand is that for over 20 years, “bucking up” and “moving on” was near to impossible for me. My whole life I would sit and just replay moments in my mind of failures and pain. I would literally allow those moments to take over my actions. I lived that way my whole adult life. Just imagine being unable to just enjoy life because all you can think about is how much easier other people have it and how much what I want is simply beyond my grasps.
Well…I still have those thoughts! I still replay moments in my mind all the time. I still think about how much easier other people have it when it comes to simply enjoying life, or dating my ex (you can date her too! Just become a chiseled chest model, a nice “hot” all American dude with an IQ of 3). I still have all sorts of thoughts that are replays of failures and pain, of how I could’ve acted but didn’t. You all know…I mean I often share those moments here, in fact.
But here is the thing: These thoughts no longer stop me in the same way they had in the past. I accept, then I act.
I simply can say: “fuck it.” Then…it’s on. I act in spite of the feeling. Oli said it best in his post:
Basically I’m learning that it’s not by feeling that I do, but it’s by doing that I feel, and if we wait for the opportune time to do something, until it feels right, it’s often too late, or it’s not useful.
Its not feeling ready to act…it’s just act. Fuck it…then it’s on…