Fighting & Fear In Vegas
I’ve been to Las Vegas, once. So this post will have nothing really to do with Vegas. But, I did want to share some lessons from my attempts to feel more comfortable with physical confrontation. Naturally, when I wrote the title to this post as “fear & fighting” I thought of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, which, I guess if one pays close attention the movie is in many ways a story of self-transformation. Though my experiences do not involve bats, or handsy carpets, or the panic euphoria of trippin’ there is quite a bit of fear, boxing gloves, and the panic of getting pummeled.
During Be Powerful, I became aware of a deep fear of physical confrontation.
So, I decided to change that.
Fear & Fighting: Goshin Jitsu
I joined a mixed martial arts club called Goshin Jitsu. The class was described as a course in mixed martial arts that would serve to protect and defend against everyday and common attacks and assaults. Unfortunately, the instructors for the course were and are competitive mixed martial art fighters and so the class quickly became a training “boot camp” of sorts for aspiring UFC fighters. Not quite what I signed up for.
Nonetheless, I was determined to remain in the class through the end of the semester (15 weeks). I have attended 10 weeks of classes. And each time I would come away from the experience feeling exhausted, sore, bruised, or bleeding. But I LOVED IT. It felt so rewarding to exert myself to the point of near passing out. It felt so rewarding to take punches and learn that I am in fact a FIGHTER. It felt so rewarding to feel the fear that comes when you are too slow to protect yourself and your opponent is simply landing blow after blow after blow. To take those blows, feel that pain and fear, all to simply stand up straight look him in the eye and say “Bring it.” Its rewarding to know that I have a bit of “the crazy” in me.
Should a fight break out, I won’t be lying down.
Last week was my last week attending the class. The last class left me so tore up that I limped around for a good week and a half and still have a sore nose and thigh. But the pain is not the reason why I will not return. I’m not returning because the instruction became too focused on competitive Muy Thai (and less on everyday self-defense) and the instructional staff simply moved through their instruction too fast for me. I found myself injuring myself and others because I simply had a technique gap. But, I am already on the look out for another physical confrontation type activity…stay tuned.
Given that this experience has come to an end for me, I decided that I’d share something profound I learned about myself, something that I’ve discovered only because I was able to man up and get pummeled in this class.
As I stood there sparring with my partner, I could not help but be tense. More than once the instructor had to pull me aside and asked me to “relax.” The tension in my body must have been so obvious. But, yet, it was not “obvious” to me. That is, until I paid close attention to my body. I felt a tightness in my shoulders and neck. The more beat up I got, the more tense I got. The more I anticipated being hit, the more fear I felt. The more fear I felt, the more my body tensed up. I found myself getting extremely focused and intense. Like really, really intense. INTENSE.
Salsa Dancing & Fighting
I have had many women in the past and recently describe me as “intense.” I myself have been working to be less “intense” for 3 years. Could there be a relationship between the fear I feel when I’m getting the shit knocked out of me and my intensity? Tension and intensity do share similar root meanings. The answer ultimately came as I was salsa dancing with a girl. As I danced with her, I found myself concentrating really hard to get the moves just right, to lead properly, to be a “good” dancer. It turns out that, just like when I’m hyperfocused during a fight, my body tenses up, my eyes get intense and my movements become so forced. My partner said: “RELAX”! The way she said this was really profound. She said it with an emotional tone of anger, of fear. My intensity seems to be rooted in fear.
At times, I can be completely uncomfortable, uncertain, fearful in my world. My struggles to become more “spontaneous” and light, and feel comfort in tense moments, is complicated by the fact that I am, often, in constant “fight mode” in my world. I know this because once I became aware of this tension in my body, an awareness that I discovered only because I faced my fears of physical confrontation, I began to feel this physical tension in almost every moment of my day. Even right now as I write this, I felt my shoulders tense. In fact, I was recently at the mall. I felt my body tense up every time I saw a pretty girl walking my way. My entire experience at the mall was filled with the same kind of tensions that I feel when I’m sparring with someone on the wrestling mats. I can now even feel the small muscles in my face tense up throughout my day.
No doubt this is in part why many women in my lifetime have expressed being intimidated by me, uncertain about me, or tense around me.
They feel that way because I FEEL that way. I’m intimidated by my world. I am uncertain. I am tense.
Action: Fighting Back & A Walk Home
I don’t like to bitch about something, just to bitch. So….
…what am I doing about this?
It is very interesting that I came to this “intensity” awareness just as I am discovering how to live centered in my truth. All of my tension problems, all of my uncertainty, all of my intensity, is rooted in allowing the external world (the world I have no control over) to break in to my reality. Or, another way to say it: I have taken to be under my control things that are fundamentally not in my power to control. The only thing that I can control, the only person I ever have to answer to, the only person who can suffer defeat, is me.
So here is what I am doing…
When I notice the tension, I bring my actions back to “how well am I living my own world?” I change my responses and actions to the more creative purpose of “how do I want to be in my world, right now? What experience do I want, right now?” And, I take those actions, answering only to myself and not the “outcomes.” Does it work to release the tension?
Well, let’s find out…hold on.
YUP! It works for me.
I just walked home from the coffeeshop. 🙂 As I walked home two cute girls were walking towards me (there are TONS of cute girls here…seriously). I thought: “Oh, boy, here we go!” As I got closer to them, I felt the tension rise. Then, I simply reminded myself: “Live your truth.” So, accepting this tension, literally feeling through it, I smiled at them. They smiled at me. “Hello” I said. “Hey…Hi,” they responded with smiles. I kept walking…
As I shift my purpose to how well I am living up to my own ideals, I feel a weight lifted in my body. But the tension is still there and maybe always will be. But, it only lasts for a short time. This tells me that I must continue to push my edge, living my truth, and feel through this tension and intensity. I have to keep this practice of facing tension whilst being centered in my truth until I can prove to myself that only my actions and not the responses of others or the world are in my control, and I need only answer to myself.
This living my own truth thing is truly amazing!