I Do What I Want
Remember Cartman in South Park? “I do what I want…I do what I want!” I could not agree more.
On the heels of living centered on my truth, I have felt more freedom to do what I want. Here is a quick example:
A couple weeks ago I contacted a girl that I find incredibly attractive. Smart, wise, beautiful, and most importantly she is someone I can connect with at a deeper level. While it is has become more common for me to have friends and meet people who can connect at the level of appreciating life’s experiences, it is RARE for me to find women that I am attracted to AND who can connect with me at that level. This girl was also mentioned here.
Well, recently, I approached her about helping with a “presence” exercise that I had learn about from Leigh on one the Be Powerful calls. To my surprise, she agreed to help with it. We were to do the activity outside. Unfortunately, we live in the Midwest US and so, predictably, the weather was cold and rainy. So, we both agreed we’d do it another time.
And, that’s when it hit. Disappointment. I was looking forward to working through this activity with her and, moreover, I was also looking forward to hanging out with her. So, I texted her and told her so. I also added that it would be cool to grab a coffee together. And, as is usually the case between me and her, as soon as I hit send on my phone, I actually ran in to her on the street. “Hey! I just texted you. I was just having lunch and I was bummed that we could not meet. It is equal parts not be able to do the activity and hanging out with you. I was looking forward to it. You want to grab a coffee?” At first she said, “yes.” But, only three steps on our way, she said, “no.” She was actually already on her way to run some errands. So, I said “OK. Another time, then.” And we agreed to try to meet for the activity again when the weather was better.
I felt disappointment once more. This time I was feeling a bit sad and frustrated. I knew in that moment, that was certainly not the kind of experience I wanted. I wanted to feel connection. So, I took this heavy feeling home with me. By this time, I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m feeling lonely. I’m talking to myself: “Why am I making the external world responsible for my contentment?” “Why am I so invested in her response?” “Am I not attractive enough?” “Does she not feel free enough around me?” “I worked so hard to get my life centered on my truth, instead of outcomes, so why am I so shaken by this?” “What’s the use of it all?”
This is not at all how I want my world to be.
All of this talk…
In the past, this moment would stop at all this talk. I would not take actions to give myself what I wanted. But now, I know exactly why I’m feeling as shit as I am. I know what I am craving, what my purpose is. I want to feel connection. I was looking forward to connecting with her.
So, knowing what I want, I set out to do what I want.
I went out to a bar. It was empty. So, I talked to the bartender, bar backs, and waitresses. It was not at all the level of depth I might have felt connecting with her, but it was a kind of connection. I left the bar about an hour or so. As I was walking home, I peered in to a coffee shop. I was checking to see if there were any girls in the coffee shop I might meet, strike up a conversation with, and connect a bit. See, this is pretty amazing actually. In the past, I would feel all the frustration and sadness and loneliness but simply do nothing about it. Nowadays, I know what my truth is, how I want to be in my world, and what my purpose is, and so I DO WHAT I WANT. If there is a girl I WANT to talk to, then I do. Simple.
As I walked past the coffeeshop, I saw a girl I knew. We had talked a few times and she is in my program at the university. She is also one girl who I can connect with at a deeper level, someone who is fun to talk to, and someone who “gets it.” In the past, I may have just kept on walking past. I felt like all sad…so why bother someone else?
But not this time. This time I DO WHAT I WANT. I want connection. So I walk in, she sees me, I see her, and we start to chat. I share with her what’s going on in my life and shares what’s going on in hers. We talk about our experience and various struggles and vulnerabilities. We joke. We laugh. Time flies, and the conversation is over. I felt what I set out to feel: connection.
I did what I wanted. I gave myself what I wanted. I did not sit at home feeling lonely, craving connection. I gave myself what I wanted. I did what I wanted. When I got home, I felt fulfilled. I even said to myself: “Wow, what a full day…sadness, frustration, actions, and connection…I did what I wanted. I feel good.”
I do what I want…I do what I want!