Dream Using

It’s Dr. Martin Luther THE King day here in the U.S.  Amazing man.  Talk about being led by an unwavering faith in big dreams.  It is almost impossible to not hear a mention of MLK and not also be reminded about the power of dreaming big, of following something more outlasting than oneself.

I admit.  When I reflect on the legacy of “the King,” his time, his struggles, his faith, his vision, my own struggles are clearly small and not near as earth shattering as they sometimes feel.  This man — he changed the world. He made possible a kind of freedom that I enjoy today.  And, as much as I want to romanticize changing the world by giving beautiful women smiles, I know that I do not often have to face the caustic spray of fire hoses, the frothy fangs of dogs, or bashing batons to feel the freedom to walk over to her, smile, and say “hi.”  Freedom.

What am I doing with my freedom? See that question? Even before MLK there were men and women dreaming big and through pursuing that dream freeing others to live their own freedom.  We live in the legacy of sacrifices, of death, of men (and women) who knew what they wanted, knew who they were, and accepted nothing less.  Many of these extraordinary people never saw their visions fully realized as their dreams were realized only through their death, their final sacrifice, their last word.  They took their freedom and lived it to its fullest. They left no effort safe for “another day,” for “when I am ready.”  They acted and in taking action to live their freedom fully, they freed others.  Amazing people.

What AM I doing with my freedom? Dreaming.  Big time.  Using dreams like I’ve never done before.  But, I’m not going to share my big dreams at this point, nor my dreams to serve others.  I just want to share a more individualized use of dreaming, a mundane use of dreams that is helping me build the kind of life that stands in appreciation of those who sacrificed so that I can be free.

After Be Powerful I became determined to build “presence,” to stand poised and focused in the face of challenges.  This brought me to a place where I began to know my truth & purpose (i.e. know what kind of experience I want RIGHT NOW) and began answering to my own actions of living up to that experience rather than the outcome of any interaction, situation, or challenge.  I called it “bulletproofing” at the time.  I felt more confident and poised than ever in my life, but only because I had spent almost a year just working out what it is that I want — what my dreams would be in any situation, how I dream I might experience life, and how my dream relationships would be like. Having built those dreams all that remained was to live towards them.  For me, I realize that my dreams cannot live or persist without taking real actions towards them.  If I find myself unwilling to struggle or give effort and action to those dreams, then it feels like waling up to a poker table without money, you know? I may have a vision of winning, but without the means to make it happen its all just talk.  Actions and effort, or struggling and pushing your edge, are the ways I purchase the luxury of my dreams.  Pay to play.  Dreaming alone is never enough.  You have to USE them.

I want to share just a couple of experiences of freedom through dreaming I’ve had recently.

Lately I’ve started doing something I’m calling Feelization.  Like mediation, I would focused my awareness in silence and deep breathing on my emotions and feelings, feeling fully.  I’ll feel the feelings that I’m seeking, say for a night out, imagining myself as I’d like to be in my world and literally FEELING it.  Its not visualization its feelization.  Having that feeling and pushing it through my body to feel it fully, I take that with me as I start my night.  I have all I need before I’ve even started the night.  What’s great is that by doing this, I’ve already felt what I want to feel for the night and have that feeling coursing through my body all night.  I’m free to act how I want because I am not having to rely on others to give me permission to act.

Use One

Using dreams, for me, means remaining focused on my purpose in the moment, what kind of feeling I want.  It’s really mind blowing just how many sensations and feelings go unheeded because of worrying about what others might think.  Dancing is a good example.  I know I usually do not dance until I have a bit of alcohol in me.  Hell, nowadays, I’m dancing my ass off SOBER at the gym! Freak? Yup! But I have found myself just so in to my music and my workout that I feel like dancing.  So, I do.  It’s funny as hell and fun as hell.  Not a single ounce of fear…

Use Two

Speaking of dancing.  The other night without much hesitation I unleashed an ultrasonic flurry of killer breakdance skillz upon an unsuspecting public long forgotten the ways these cardinal moves.  This would be the first time since I was about 8 years old.  This guy still has it. No fear…no hesitation…I know how I wanted to feel and what would bring it to me…and did it.

Use Three

Last night I had my first A.I. style “saddle-up-to-the-bar” type interaction with a woman.   She was from Turkey.  Dark hair, dark eyes, pale skin, and a insatiable lust for adventure.  No lines.  No routine.  No hesitation.  Just, “Hi. You are just starting your night, aren’t you?” 20 mins later she talking nearly nonstop about her experiences of traveling and your anxieties about interviewing for jobs.  She is a happy girl, she glowed as she spoke.  Economics major. But not quite feeling what I wanted to feel with her, so I wished her well and returned to my friends.

Use Four

This week I saved a girl from a horrible life altering embarrassment.  She was leaving the restroom and walking out with toilet tissue on her shoe dragging comically behind her.  I just could not let that pass me by.  “Ok, Ok, wait, wait! Look!” She seemed confused at first.  I gave a brief moment then began to gesture downward.  Then we did this little shoe dragging dance together where my shoe managed to unstick her tissue. Hi Fives!

Use Five

A few friends managed to unknowingly get themselves into a “private party” at a bar.  As I was walking with them, I’m stopped by a couple of girls that I know.  Hugs.  Chit-Chat.  More Hugs.  They flitter off.  I proceed up to where my friends are.  But I am stopped.  This guy, mostly drunk, is digging his shoulder in to my chest in an effort to stop me from entering.

“My friends are up here.”

“This is a private party, rar, rar, rar, burp.”

“OK, cool.  I’ll go get my friends and we’ll leave.”

“Burp, wheeze…ugh…hicup…you can’t come up here…leave!”

“Ok, cool.  I will. Let me just find my friends.”

“That’s bullshit! you don’t know anyone here…what’s their names…gaaaffka..burp”?

“It doesn’t matter! You won’t know them either because they didn’t know this is a private party.  They must have snook past you.”

By this time his bigger buddy is now in my chest.  His bigger buddy even more drunk.

“Yo! You have to leave you are not getting in here…who do you know?”

“Ok. Cool.  I’m going to find my friends”

And then I leave them there to burp among themselves and push my way through to find my friends.

I find my friends and tell them its a private party and that they are kicking me out.  By this time big buddy is back an in my face.

“I’m not leaving here until you leave…burp..em…ah…hicup! ”

He then gets in my face and gives me the stare, a non stop stare. Him doing his best Brock Lesner.  It was cute.

So I do what I wanted to do: See where this goes.  I dream for adventure.  I stare back.  I held my ground.  We stood there in this awkward state…chest to chest…face to face…his eyes transfixed. Mine a little less so because honestly I gave no shit about him or their private party.  I had one purpose: find friends and leave and continue enjoying my night.

Eventually we all leave once everyone was clued in as to what was going on.  As for me and big buddy…well, I stood there as long as I wanted but lost interest.

Here is the point though: the entire time of all this confrontation I felt no hesitation, no intimidation, I was entirely and completely focused even in that confrontational moment on how I wanted that moment to turn out.  Little guy and big buddy had no idea what to do with a Man who just has poise and is not losing his shit to fight or have some pissing contest to prove something.  Tempers never flared, though these guys would’ve enjoyed that. I know who I am…they still figuring that out.

I’m a lover not a fighter (R.I.P Micheal Jackson)

It seems I’m finding that elusive “presence” I’ve lacked my whole life.  I feel it. (There’s this whole thing about eye contact too that has changed for me, but another story for another day).

Using Dreams

These are such small, mundane, moments.  Especially when compared to the grandness of MLK dreams.  And these dreams do not serve others in any explicit sense.  But, if for each of those moments I chose not to take those actions that I desired to take, would I be using my freedom or limiting it? I mean, I’m not facing the tremendous and incredible barriers of the Civil Rights movement. To build up my problems as though they were just as epic (which admittedly it can truly feel that way…I’ve been there) has become for me an indication that I have forgotten to feel gratitude.

Speaking of gratitude.  As I sit there in my feelization, I take a moment to feel thankful.  Rarely do I think of what I do not have or do not want.  I think more of what I have and what I will have and how to get what I want.  This all begins with gratitude.  But not just listing things…literally feeling thankful.  The more thankful I feel, strangely, the more content and good…damn good…I feel.  When I feel good, I’m free then to dream big and work towards giving that freedom to others…

This is how I’m using dreams.