I’m a Loser
But I have seen a constant loser go on playing chess for years, in the fond hope that one day he may have the thrill of victory. Thus, though she on whom your heart is set is not for you, you are the richer for the fact that she exists.” St. Exupery
Really think on this quote for a moment, because I’m about to gross you out before I get to my point…
Ready?
This week I came as close as I’ve ever been to death by wrist cut. No. It was not intentional. Of course not! It was a freak accident. I managed to slice deep, deep into my wrist. When it happened, I was certain that I had hit an artery and prepared myself for a slurry of blood. Instead, there was not even a drop. So then I prepared myself for some kind of nerve damage and began to move my fingers and make a fist. Nope. No nerve damage. So moving down the checklist, I decided to check to see just how bad this wound was. As I rinsed my wrist under the rushing water, I noticed that my thumb easy fit inside my wrist. Interesting. Nope. No bandaid will fix this one. I was remarkably calm.
I had never seen the inside of my arm before. I saw it all, too. Nerve. Muscle. Tendon. And I also saw what little fat I had as it oozed out. Grossed out yet?
I felt no pain. My mind was focused and clear. I knew what needed to be done next. I knew what my purpose was. I knew that I desired some sort of medical attention. I knew what I had to do. And, in that moment, there was only one thing on my mind: to get on with the business of healing.
I wrapped my arm in a towel, called some friends for a ride to the med center, and sat there waiting. Interspersed among my thoughts about what lay ahead (stitches, surgery, tetanus shots, etc…) were thought about how fragile flesh is, how easy it is to all be over in a matter of moments. I thought of how lucky I was that I had not gone just a few millimeters deeper and caught a vein and bled to death alone. This is not dramatic verse I’m spittin.’ This was a very real fact. I was a mere nanomoment away from if not the end of it, at the very least much, much worse than what did in fact happen.
I sat there. Alone. One thing I sometimes forget is that there are dangers to being alone. And unheralded death, for one.
But, and here is the thing: I would not have it any other way.
Do I desire to meet someone that I can connect with, someone that I might be able to “fall in love” with? Of course. Hell yes. But, I am not willing to ever compromise on what I’m seeking, on what I desire in this “magical” woman.
Actually, let me take that back. There is nothing “magical” about her. I’ve met her, before. I’ve dated her before. She is a real person. But, for me, she is elusive. Mixtures of timing, my own insecurities, her own desires, and my own desires seem to make things “just so” that it’s just not meant to be. Part of my AI journey is to understand all of this, and take the actions I must to make “timing” work for me.
But, and here is the thing: I would not have it any other way.
The quote above is from St. Exupery’s Wisdom of the Sands. The value of prayer is that they go unfulfilled. The value of desires is that they remain something worth striving for, always elusive, always a call to strive harder…to live my edge ever more on that edge.
I have a trail of women for whom I had had my heart set, yet were “not for me.” And I continue to have more in my life at this very second. Do I feel anxious? Frustrated? Yes. Hell Yes.
But, and here is the thing: (you guess it) I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because that “frustration” is rooted in the deepest core desire I have right now, to feel a deep connection with my dream woman. The vision I am pursuing…THE FEELING that I’m seeking is that glorious moment when she looks into my eyes and I into hers and we both just know “This is what its all about.”
Don’t confuse what I’m saying here. “This is what its all about” is not about me, nor her. We are not looking at one another, using each other to feel “complete” and that “this is what its all about.” Fuck no. When we look at one another we do so with a love and thankfulness of finally feeling a sense of freedom to look outward TOGETHER with someone, to live out our desires together, to live a life with sincere engagement of giving, excitement, adventure, sensuality, play, care, work, deeds, and we really do not care what others think. We do us. We keep it real. Other people will “talk” about it, turning our life into stories, but we are living it. Let them talk. We are stars.
I have felt this. I have met some incredibly amazing women. But each has always been elusive in their own unique way… I am a constant loser who is so fucking rich because I can imagine the thrill of victory, and that imagined vision lights up my whole world in a way that those who only succeed will never enjoy.
And I would not have it any other way…