Nice, But Not Safe
I’m not Safe,” She said.
Those other guys, “they were safe.”
Were they “nice?,” I ask.
“Yes.”
“Am I nice?” I ask, as my mind thinks of the worst case scenario: “nice guys finish last.”
“Yes,” she says.
Ugh…here we go…
To add insult to injury she explains, “you’re sensitive, honest, and I feel free to be vulnerable and open around you…”
…And then it happens…NINJA THWACK!
“…but you are not ‘safe,'” She says.
THWACK: Mind blown. Those damn AI Ninja Thwacks, which you can read about here.
I was nice, sweet, thoughtful, honest and yet I was not “safe.” Had I managed to not land in that dreaded place of comfort: the “friend zone?”
This girl has a unique history, a history that made her comment, “I feel comfortable being open and vulnerable with you,” especially significant and meaningful. Having developed the necessity of protecting herself, of guarding herself, of monitoring the intentions of men closely, she admitted that I was the first guy in a long time with whom she felt free enough, trusting enough, to be open with, to share herself.
She admitted that for some time she would date guys who were safe, nice, if only because her trust in men had been shattered. She also expressed how much she disliked feeling like the best she could do is date guys who were safe, guys who were nice.
And so, we meet…
I’m a nice guy…but not really. There is plenty of stuff on the internet, most of it written by women, about the emptiness, dangerousness, and baffoonery of “nice guys.” The basic idea is that most “nice guys” act nice because they want to get something, because they feel that by being nice to woman that she will, eventually, reward them with sex, a relationship, love. And often, when this guy gets frustrated because he is “friend zoned” or because all his caring, listening, and giving is not recognized by the girl they are drooling over, they blow up, get angry, and storm off never to speak to her again (best case scenario).
The underlying motives of this “nice guy” is an utter dependence on this girl to recognize him, to accept his acts, to validate his kindness, his listening, his attempts to care. He is richly dependent, and if he is this way with women, its very likely he is just as dependent in other areas of his life, with his friends, co-workers, even his family.
I should know…I was richly dependent for 15 years and did not even have a clue just how dependent I was in my life. It’s taken three years of learning how to give myself the experiences I want, to give myself a sense of fulfillment, connection, power, and significance. The journey began in the late 90’s when studying human communication, but my growth was accelerated by AI during my first experience with Get Real three years ago.
Am I nice? Do I listen? Am I kind to women? Do I give them gifts? Do I do things for them?
Yes, of course I do. Am I a nice guy? Fuck Yeah! But my underlying motives are ridiculously different than other “nice guys.”
See, there are nice guys & then there are nice guys. I’m a guy. Or, doing my best Leigh impersonation: “I’m a Man!” (without the flowing locks of hair, when I say it, I think it sounds more manlier-er).
There is no dependence in my gifts, in my listening, in my giving, in my kindness to the beautiful women in my life. Every action and choice I make is made with a question in mind: “Will taking this action bring me closer to the man I want to be, to the experience I want?”
What kind of man do I want to be, and how have I become this man daily? Every day I strive to cultivate independence by taking action, by not waiting, or depending on others, the world, or circumstance to give me the experience of life I want. If I’m feeling lonely, then I find someone to share with, to talk to about what’s going on in my life. This helps me give myself a sense of connection. Other times when I’m feeling disconnected I talk to someone and allow them to share what’s going on for them. I listen…like feel through their words to the emotion behind what they speak of. I feel connected that way too. If I’m feeling powerless, then I find some kind of challenging task or action and attempt to overcome the challenge. I might go to the gym and push the amount of weight I lift. I might go for a 3 mile run, but push myself to run 4 or 5. I might just go to a bar by myself and try to connect with strangers, thus giving myself both power and connection.
Everyday I am on an incredible adventure of just giving myself the experiences I want and doing so in a way that maximizes my own efforts. By remaining focused not on what others can give to me, their responses, their judgements, their opinions, but on how faithfully I maintain focused on my own actions and effort as I give myself the experiences I’m wanting, I am able to live more “independently.” In short, I do not “depend” on others, or women, or circumstances to give me the kind of life I desire. Unlike much of my life, I know longer feel “incomplete,” just waiting around for a particular girl, or certain job, or a certain event, or anything else that is “external” to “complete me.”
I hope I will continue to be a nice GUY, a guy who puts no pressure on women to be anything other than just who they are. A guy who is complete within himself and doesn’t expect women to give him anything more than what they want to give. A guy who can be honest with a girl, letting her know where he stands, what he wants, and do so openly and freely because doing so is the “right” thing to do, the thing that will bring him closer to the kind of man he want to be, even if what I have to say means she might decide that I’m not the right guy for her. A guy for whom rejection is “cool” because he doesn’t NEED her to feel complete. A guy who can give freely to women without them feeling that he NEEDS reciprocation from them in some way. A guy who does not NEED…but a guy who knows what he WANTS.
In the end, this is just my best guess about what it meant when this powerful girl said to me: “You are nice, but not safe.” I’m not a nice guy, but I am a nice GUY. The comfortable “safety” that is the predictable “nice” guy accommodating and manipulative behaviors women might expect from a guy who lives a dependence lifestyle, looking to get something from them….that kind of “safety”…I cannot provide. I’m a bit of a wild card…
What guides my choices and life does not depend on what I can get from, others, circumstances, or any a woman…
A funny thing happens when you don’t need something from women. It seems some of them, those who are looking for something more than the safety of predictability: they feel free to give. Heavy shit…