#reflective
Being human is trippy. Perhaps the trippiest thing is thought itself. I was just walking through a parking lot on a sun drenched late morning. I had flashes of thought…
FLASH…
A memory about being on the 14th floor balcony of a near by high rise apartment building. Pianoman888, Grant, scored himself a great apartment complete with a bedroom overlooking the entire town with floor to ceiling windows. The view is just too good to not share. Passing thought: Hope he finds a beautiful girl to share that view from his bedroom.
FLASH…
“The mohawk has a significant meaning among Native warriors, the fuller the ‘hawk, the more accomplished” A fragment of a conversation I had with a guy at a bar last night. He was proud of his military heritage, tracing his family’s lineage down through the ages, even to the battles of England in the 1800’s. When came time for him to serve in the forces, he was denied. A rare health condition. Passing thought: But he had a very full Mohawk.
FLASH…
I sat down to enjoy a morning coffee and a donut. I ran in to an old neighbor. He is excited! Two dream job offers! Minneapolis or San Francisco? Good money, great cities both, and each job with opportunities to travel. He has a cat called “peace.” “Go to Minneap! It’s the source of all things hipster!” That was my advice, anyhow.
FLASH…
For 10 years my brother has tried to make a living out of being a rapper. And for years it has been the clichéd struggling artist story. Checking my Iphone I see a message with a link attached: Riddim Collision Festival 15, “My god, top billing…” Moodie Black playing a major noise festival in France. Passing thought: “This will be a start…”
FLASH…
My best and oldest buddy, whom I rare talk to but strangely never feel disconnected from, has created his own festival of sorts. COHERE. Being the change in the world, he creates a space for others to come together. Love. Community. Thoughtfulness. Passing thought: “Man, Paul’s the man.”
FLASH…
In the short time it took to walk across a parking lot, each flash of thought registered a wave of emotions. I felt pride. Joy. Excitement. Care. As I walk, feeling the sun bearing down on my back, my eyes well up with tears. It suddenly hit me that its not about women…becoming attractive is not about women…
FLASH…
I remember a recent conversation with Leigh. “It’s so much more than women. Women are only a small part of your worth, your life.”
FLASH…
“It’s not about women. It’s about your life, about how you engage it,” I think to myself.
I had recently wondered if I were the kind of guy that women would want to be approached by, speaking completely physically. Am I physically attractive enough, young enough, fun enough, engaging enough such that women would DESIRE to meet me? In that moment, when I rendered the responses of women as the measure of my worth, I new what was at the core: a desire to feel accepted. Worth through acceptance is not a very productive script. This script is the result of my focus being directed towards how other people can give me the experience I want rather than my focus directed towards how I can give myself the experience I want.
Acceptance is about wanting to feel connected to others, at least it is for me. So I set out to connect in any way I could. I shared how I felt about a friend, a real heart to heart. I called my mother and just listened to her talk about her struggles. I went out with friends and enjoyed their company over drinks. I shared how I felt about how men and women interact with a female friend who expressed fear of making eye contact with guys. I sat outside at a coffee shop and just observed and felt-through, those who just passed by my well-placed table. I listened as a friend shared her recent struggles, feeling ever sense of pain, frustration, and acceptance in her voice, in her eyes, on her body. I cooked dinner for a buddy. I was present in each case to the subtle feelings of connection running through me.
It’s not about women. There is connection and power and fulfillment all around us, all the time. Getting to a point where you can literally tap into to those when you need to, when you want to, have been the biggest transformations in my life. Learning how to be aware of the subtlest of feelings and being THANKFUL for those.
Gratitude. There is a quote out there somewhere by a psychologist who said something like he never met a depressed person who was also filled with unwavering gratitude. It’s hard to be sad and depressed when you feel thankful through and through. I once lived a life where I was the moppiest guy, the saddest guy, self-loathing, self-pity, just the loneliest introspective dude. I wanted other people, circumstances, timing, luck, everything other than me to give me the good feelings I wanted in life. I lived like that for over 15 years. Today, I am so focused on what I can bring myself and others that what once felt like unending pain of loneliness of sadness, hasn’t been felt in over three years.
It’s not about women. Women are only a specific (though fucking incredible and important) part of the WHOLE of the life I am living. Sharing that with women, friends, and any other specific person who wants to connect and share is all there is left to do…