A Quick Observation

…Not one day goes by, it seems, that I do not feel some kind of loneliness. Right now as I write this, I’m feeling lonely. The larger desire here is obviously “connection.” But what I have found is that when I feel like this, it is because I am taking something else for granted.

I’ll try to explain. You ever see the image?

Its the classic “Face/Vase” illusion. For years gestalt psychologists have used this to explain some of the basic principles of gestalt perception. Basically, the principle is there for you to experience…just look. Notice that you cannot see one image without somehow taking for granted, or “forcing into the background of your awareness”, the other image. Well, another way of thinking about this: the one image that you “force into the background” (for instance, the vase) is what allows for the other image (i.e., the faces) to come into being, or into view in the foreground.

Well, I have started to understand my emotions like this too. All emotions are the results of some desire or orientation that is lurking in the background, some way of understanding my world that I take for granted. When in the face of any emotion, particularly negative one’s, I ask myself: what am I taking for granted such that this emotion has been foregrounded?

Right now, I’m sitting in my living room waiting for a friend to contact me so I can meet them at the bar. Part of me is glad to have this opportunity to talk with her. But another part of me feels lonely. See, I have a background desire for feeling the admiration and attention of an attractive woman. My friend is a not someone for whom I feel attraction. My background desire, moreover, is squarely rooted in an external orientation, that is I have made the woman the source of feeling connected, rather than a more internal orientation that would be a focus more on the sheer actions of connecting within my own power, my willingness and ability to be open. This is a recipe for disappointment and certainly for feeling powerless and alone.

I feel lonely because I have a deep desire for feeling connection with a women for whom I feel sexual attraction.

In the past, I would try to fight this feeling. This could only bring more suffering, however. Instead, I’m allowing it to be there. I’m accepting it. I accept it as that part of myself that knows better than even I, what my deepest desires are. The rest, at this point, is to use this loneliness to motivate me to build the life necessary to build the kinds of connections with the women I desire.

I accept and act. It’s not easy, but it is not quite hard work either. I turn my attention back to actions than are in my control, even in the face of feeling so alone.