Using Unfulfilled Desires

Of many of the insights from GetReal, one in particular has been the most useful for me. The idea is simple: Acceptance without action is information; Action without acceptance is hard work.

This insight hit me like a ton of bricks when I read it, then it crept up again when I hit my first major roadblock since GetReal. Here’s the story…

When I started GetReal, I had high expectations and hopes. I was motivated to build a life that is filled with power and connections because I was languishing in a life where I was so dependent on the responses of women. Well, in all honesty, one woman. I became convinced that if I could only build up my own life to be as exciting and fun as the one she appears to be living, then I would be able to move on from the pain of losing her. I hoped that the very process of living towards my one perfect day would somehow also free me from this pit in my gut when I think of her. I really hoped that “freedom-to” would bring “freedom-from.”

And, well, to a some extent, GetReal has brought me to a new place. I am enjoying my freedom. And I do find myself feeling powerful and and confident. I am accepting myself more and more with each passing day. And, I’m getting over setbacks much faster than I have in the past. But there is still this nagging pain in my gut about this one girl.

Last night I had a dream that she was handing me a box. Inside of the box was every good feeling, thought, idea, that she had of me. She was telling me she was “done with me.” I remember feeling in the dream so much pain. In fact, the pain was so deep that I experienced my first “lucid dream.” I knew I had to be dreaming. And thus in that moment, I woke myself up. Dreams are mindfucks. I spent the morning just feeling the feelings of that dream, focusing on them. Feeling them fully. It was not fun.

Well, tonight I found out that she has a boyfriend. See, the thing is, she always told me that she did not want a boyfriend, that she wanted to be free. But, yet, there she is…with a boyfriend. Hearing this news was like a punch in the gut. And I have had a strong emotional reaction to this news. I know that connection with attractive, smart women is important to me. Realizing that I am not her choice gives me a feeling of being alone and powerless.

Thanks to GetReal, I now know what I’m seeking and how to go about achieving that feeling. But, my life is not yet filled with the kinds of powerful and connective experiences that are necessary to really place my past with her and my desire for her into perspective.

When I stop to think about the source of this pain, one thing comes to mind: my desire for connecting with stereotypical beautiful women. But, though they many be prototypical beauties on the outside, I’m only lastingly attracted to the ones who have great laughs, humor, and authentic personalities. But, initially, I’m drawn in by their beauty. The girl in question was one place away from being “Miss Hooter’s” of our particular state and she is a lingerie model. Her beauty is off the charts. But, what is more than that, is she is so fucking smart, asks amazing questions, and can hang with the best in conversation. She is not needy at all! She does what she wants when she wants. It is so fucking sexy. She is athletic and is a “guy’s girl.” She also has a big heart, a heart that can melt a room with its warmth.

But, she did not want to be with me, obviously, citing that she did not want to have a boyfriend. But now, she does want a boyfriend apparently and he is a model no less. And, I have to say, I am no chiseled chest model. Shit, it may be the case that she is more needy than I can tell, perhaps wanting to date a model because of the admiration form others she would receive…who knows?

Alls I know is: When it comes to her, my desire is so great that my focus goes “external” so quick. I start wondering what is “wrong” with me? Then, knowing that she is dating a model, I start to criticize my looks. Then, I really feel disempowered because I have no power over another person’s tastes. And, though I understand this, it hurts still. I start to question my taste in women. I start to ask myself why I want to date only physically beautiful women. And I just know its because I want admiration and acceptance.

I want to be admired by other guys and I want the acceptance of a beautiful, powerful girl. And just like that, I recognize where my deepest and most heaviest core desires rest. And just like that, I know just how much further I have to go to becoming the man of my dreams. The man who can look at her and just feel open care, but no desire for possession and no desire for a response. The man whose life is filled with adventure, with purpose, with beautiful amazing women. The man whose life leaves him feeling satisfied at the end of the night, even if he goes to bed alone. This unfulfilled, pain inducing desires tells me where I am in my life, and where I need to go.

The pain I feel is the pain of nonacceptance, I’m fighting that part of myself that desires connection with beautiful and smart women. Accepting this pain means feeling it, learning from it. Accept it, learn from it, then act to create that life I want, even amidst the pain. If, on the other hand, I were to accept this pain but not act on it, perhaps just wallowing in it, then all I have is more “information.” And here is when all sorts of “external” observations start to pop up (e.g., I’m not hot enough, I was not good in bed, I have a boring life, etc…). Just a bunch of talk, talk, talk…all in my head. Again, acceptance without action is information; action without acceptance is hard work (or, “pain”).

I’ve been doing so well. Like I said, my life is coming together. I am challenging myself in ways I have never done in the past. I have been open and honest with everyone in my life to a greater degree than in the past. I am feeling more joy day in and day out than I have in recent years. But, when it comes to her…there is a long pause ……then pain. In that moment, I realize just how much I am not accepting when it comes to her. Perhaps I’m not accepting that she has her own life and her own tastes, which, for what ever reasons, no longer include me. These feelings are invaluable, however.

In the past, I would have wallowed in this pain and felt sorry for myself. I can safely say that after GetReal, I no longer attempt to fight this pain or wallow in it. I accept it, learn from it, and keep working to become that man who one day might be able to just say “hello” to her, enjoy how she makes me feel, but know and feel that I do not NEED her to feel good about who I am.

There is more to this story, including a colossal emotional freakout and breakdown once again involving this girl. How did I handle that? Stay tuned…