This Moment
…there is a ringing in my ears. I’m not sure if it is from the loud music of the dance floor or simply the ringing of being drunk. In either case, what follows are real thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
Tonight I went out with a very clear purpose: to have fun. Mission? Accomplished. But, I also had hoped to “change the game,” that is, I hoped to shake things up. See, lately I’ve been going out with friends. And, each time, we would drink, chat, and end up at a bar with a rockin’ dance floor. I had hoped that this time I would make a conscious effort to meet new people, women in particular. First a few words about this dance floor…
I may have already mentioned about the dance floors here in this small college town. If I have not, here is a review. The women on the dance floor all have ADD. Seriously. Either that, or they are completely oblivious to the mass of men (one after the other), that seemingly take their place behind them to grind on the dance floor. There is no conversation, no eye contact, just mindless grinding. Ok. Cool, right? I mean, I’m cool with this. It’s fine.
Well, I had hoped that tonight this ADD would work for me. That is, I started the night feeling up for taking advantage of this situation. I would be simply selfish and go and “grind” with a random girl. But, there I was. Against the wall, I stood watching planning, plotting. I watch one girl in particular. She saw me. Made eye contact with me and I just returned it with my own gaze. I moved around the dance floor and each time her eyes followed mine. All the while, mind you, she had guy after guy after guy coming up behind her to grind their man junk all over her.
I did not act. I stopped myself. I felt anxious. All I could think about was how great it would be if I felt free in this moment. All I wanted to do was act upon those feelings. Then, after a few more sips of my drink, I approached her.
one step
then another
and another
then…
a guy steps between: “hey, come over here and dance with me on the dance poles.” And, in that moment…I think I heard the sound of a crash and burn, a phenomenal epic fail. I felt weak. I felt discouraged. I hurt.
My steps towards her instantly and seamlessly became steps towards the exit of the club. I walked out, very very buzzed and feeling a slight amusement.
Amusement? Why would I feel amused? I just “failed” to act on my desires. Shouldn’t I feel all huffy and puffy? Shouldn’t I feel all disappointed and down on myself? HELLS NO!
Moments like this are bound to happen from time to time. They mean nothing. They just happen. Look, I’ve had over 20 years of learning how to avoid pain. What I did was over 20 years in the making. I’ve only within the last year begun to take serious actions to change my life and take more actions in spite of my feelings of unreadiness. What happened tonight was only a moment, and one that I thought I would share.
I thought I would share this because I just know there are other guys out there, who, thinking they have made some progress, might, at times, feel like they have not. I’m just here to say: “it happens.” Just keep going to create the life you want.
I’m not some MPUA. I’m just a guy, a guy trying to be as real as possible.
Man, I’m really buzzed right now…this moment.