…And Another Point
…on the heels of my summer realization and all its insight, there is a shadow life too. The other side of this. Last night, while out with a number of friends. We arrive upon a dance floor. Two friends in particular were out that night. I always hold a good feeling when they come out. I like to see them out. They rarely go out to bars or clubs. They are married, quite happily. Yet, they are so young too. For whatever reasons, when it comes to them, I want to see them enjoying that youth. I get nothing out of them enjoying their youth, of them just living it up. I just like these people, and have known them closely for about 3 years now, and want to see them enjoying a youthful night out. This, admittedly, is my own value system that I am imposing upon others. Yes.
Less than a hour before the bar was to close, there was a good number of us dancing. The place with loud, very loud. The place with crowded. The place was also hot. They decide to leave.
And here is were the dark cloud falls…
I became determined to get them to stay. (Notice the word “get”). I just wanted them to do something that has rarely happened, to push through a bit further and close out the night with the rest of us. It was a mere 20 mins. So, I went to the “brains” of the establishment, that is, to my friend’s wife to attempt my persuasion. It was very loud. I was close to her. Facing her. I offered my appeals, again and again. Each time she maintained that they were done. “It is hot in here.” My friend attempts to cut off my appeals, but I literally shove him out of the way, as I continue to pester. All of this took about 20 seconds before she was whisked away by another person, another friend whom they had agreed to give a ride home to. I turned to my friend (the guy I shoved out of the way) and shout, “it’s so close, just stay…I could understand if I was asking to dig a coalmine your hesitation, but this is just a fun night out here. Come on stay.” But they left.
In the morning, I received a message from said friends (in response to a message I had sent them when I got home from the bar). See, I had sent them a message apologizing for shoving him, and pestering her. But, understandably, she was upset and expressed how uncomfortable it made her feel. I don’t blame her. It was loud. I had to get close. I spoke directly to her face to face. She is 5′ 1.” I’m 6′ 2.” She literally had her back against a wall. It had to be intimidating. She also mentioned that I was physically touching her (which, I cannot remember, or recall doing, but it is highly probable because I had to get very close to her). In either case, I apologized for the drama.
I’m not going to blame anything on alcohol, though drinks were had. I am not happy with my actions in this case. It’s contrary to who I am working to become. It was, if truth be told, an attempt to get the external world to conform to my idea of how I felt it should be. I should’ve just let them go. I would’ve had a good time with them there or not. But, I just wanted to see them push through for another 20 mins. But, they left.
The point of this story is to be honest about what happened. I never want this blog space to be filled with half truths, partial stories. Have I had an amazing summer? Yes. Hell yes! Have I taken huge strides towards more openness in my life with everyone in my life, not just women? Yes. Am I enjoying my life right now than ever before? Yes. But, that does not mean I am perfect, or that I have everything under control. I do not. There are still darker moments like the one above. Thinking about what happened, I feel all kinds of creepy crusty feelings inside. I never, ever want to be violent or intimidating for women. Ever. Like never, ever. Strong, confident, inviting and comforting is what I’m working towards. I know I am that guy, inside. Right now, the lid is coming off on all the years of holding myself back in my expression. I ‘m not sure what I’m doing at times, how I am acting. I’m sometime unaware of my purpose and even sometimes fall off track. Falling into this unawareness, I wonder how last night might have been different? What if I was aware of my body posture in relation to her? What If I was aware of my body position in relation to her? What if I was aware of how I felt and what I was actually asking of my friends when I was pestering them to stay? Would last night have happened the way it did? Would I be here right now feeling a creeping insecurity about my ability to maintain poise and respond with good humor when my desires are blocked?