Giving A Pretty Girl Freedom

Before I began the GetReal challenge, I was wrestling with feelings of loneliness. I realized then that the way out of this persistent loneliness is to get out at connect. I tried. But often felt like I was still not getting enough feeling of the kind of connection I’m seeking: sexual connection. I came to a point where I even realized that I sometimes place the burden of connection on the women I find attractive, making them responsible for my own feelings of connection.

It was not long ago that I was feeling a deep dark depression, with thoughts of suicide, and feelings of going through with it. It would happen in waves. I would literally lose all rational thought and just be pure, flowing pain. I would feel the rush of pain, of loss, of guilt, of shame, of loneliness. All I could feel was this ache. And in the worst wave of pain, I would literally black out briefly and I just knew that had I been standing on the edge of a building, I would have jumped off.

Today, I woke up feeling AMAZING. I’m happy as hell! I find myself laughing and feeling powerful simply walking around town. It’s really the 100% opposite of the pain I felt. In fact, it too comes in waves. I will literally feel this rush of power and joy, flowing awareness and clarity of thought. I see brighter, feel deeper, hear clearer, the world and all its flavors just seem to extend outward from from me. I feel the rush of joy, of connection to something larger, the confidence of knowing how to create my reality, and the ability to handle setbacks or pain. In that moment of joyous waves, I just know that even if my ex’s (any of them) were standing right in front of me, I would hug them without reservation and simply be happy for them and not feel that sense of “loss” that I often associate with some of my ex’s.

Allow me to a briefly explain the significance of this “hugging ex’s” business…

See, I have often had an issue remaining friends with ex’s because I desire them, or, to put it another way, I want to possess them because I often make them the solution to all of my problems of loneliness. Thus, to see them, even in the street from a distance, sends me reeling downward is feelings of loss.

Ok, done with that, now back to our story...

My point is this. I feel a sense of joy and power, connection and confidence, that I rarely felt my whole life. In those moments and waves of power and connection, I open up to the world and feel the quiet confidence that comes from living my purpose in every moment. IN short. I feel FREEDOM. In those moments of Freedom, I just know I could simply hug and release (in the deepest sense possible) those beautiful amazing women of my past, allowing them to be free. I do not want or have need for them in that same tired sense in the past. Of course, to get a real handle on this, I should tried to meet up with an ex and sit through the feelings of pain…(to be continued)…

My point about how I feel today finally “comes home” in the following event. I stopped by my landlords office. The cute girl at the front desk greets me.

Her: How are you? Good.
Me: you?
Her: (sigh) …it’s Friday.
Me: I was so angry yesterday…I think it’s cause I just did not sleep well…
Her: That’s how I am today. Last night…

And the stories began. She shared with me her long night (her stepmother gave birth to her new half sister in the early hours). She shared with me passion as an artist, a writer. She shared with me her feelings about her family. She just opened up to me. I stood there listening, laughing, joking with her. I shared stories about my childhood and the feelings I would get while looking at homes (long story). But, as it turns out, she also had similar experiences with these “odd sorts of feelings” when simply looking at cool homes in a neighborhood. We talked for about 1/2 hour. She shared. I shared. She shared mostly. And, I wanted it that way. I just wanted to listen. And she opened up!

By the end of the conversation, I thanked her for the conversation. And she thanked me for brightening up her day…she even let out this big sigh of relief and smile. It was as if she felt freedom wash over her…. And, perhaps she did. BEcause I was not looking to get anything from her and moreover am feeling connection and power, perhaps this gave this particular girl the sense of freedom that she met with mine….

Me: Ok, well, my work is done here!
Her: Thank you, have a awesome weekend!

Giving a pretty girl the chance to be free? Fucking priceless…