What Are You Really Afraid Of?
What Are You Really Afraid Of?
One of the biggest issues many clients face is not taking action when they know they should. The problem occurs daily where you already know the right thing to do, but allow fear to stop you in real-time from doing what you want to do.
If fear is stopping you from taking action, then it is always fear of something.
And that “something” is, at its very root, an experience of some kind, the negative sensations that you imagine will come if you take these actions.
So if you are going to change the way you relate to fear you can start by first getting clear on what you are really afraid of.
Once you know the core fears holding you back, then you can began working to change your pathway from avoiding feeling these sensations and instead move toward taking actions that will create the opposite of those sensations.
What is the core experience you are wanting to avoid? Try asking yourself 3 questions in this order:
1. What were you afraid of happening?
2. How would you feel if that happened?
3. Why?
Then, keep asking “why” until you can no longer answer without repeating
Here are some examples of how this method is applied to specific situations.
Action not taken: Approaching a girl I find attractive in public spaces (Bus, Coffee Shops, Gym, etc)
Why did I choose not to act?
I did not act because I was afraid of embarrassing myself, of coming off like I’m cheesy, old, creepy guy. I also did not act because I was afraid that my interest would not be returned in kind, and I would feel awkward and out of place. I also did not act because I had no idea how what to say something in such a way that I could “get” the result I desired.
How would I feel if this did happen?
I would feel lonely and incompetent.
Why would I feel like this?
Because I see myself as being a smart and capable guy, and being shot down seems to suggest this is not the case. That I need to be “better.” I have an ideal of how the situation should happen, a desire for it to happen as I hope. When this does not happen as I hoped it would, I feel utterly responsible for its failure.
Why?
Because I feel like I should be in control of this situation.
Why?
Because I don’t want to feel helpless and powerless.
Why?
Because I fear feeling all manner of pain.
Why?
Because I feel weak.
So, the reason I chose not to do what I wanted to do was because I was afraid of feeling weak, helpless, and powerless.
Action Not Taken: Quitting a PhD program.
Why did I choose not to act?
Because I feel there is too many expectations of others that would be disappointed if I did. My family, my mentors. I fear disappointing others. I enjoy teaching and getting a PhD will allow me to teach with more freedom, so I decided not to act. If I quit, I will not be able to teach with the kind of freedom that I want. I will not make much money.
How would it feel if that did happen?
I would feel like a failure.
Why would I feel like this?
Because I could not suck it up and get it done, I did not push myself.
Why?
Because I was afraid of feeling discomfort.
Why?
Because I am afraid of feeling pain.
Why?
Because I feel weak, powerless.
So I did not do what I wanted to do because I’m afraid of feeling weak, and powerless.
Not talking to my ex, despite still really liking her.
Why did I choose not to act?
Because I feel that if I talk to her I’ll want her even more and she will only want to be friends. She will talk to me, but then just treat me like an occasional acquaintance.
How would it feel if that did happen?
I would feel very alone and worthless.
Why would I feel like this?
I would feel like this because I could not get her to be more “in” to me. I feel like a failure.
Why?
Because I feel like I should be able to control her reaction to me.
Why?
Because I fear feeling the pain of her not wanting to be with me.
Why?
Because I feel weak and not able to handle being alone.
Why?
Because I fear feeling helpless, powerless, weak.
So the reason I do not do what I wanted to do is because I am afraid of feeling weak, helpless, powerless.
Action Not Taken: Not Being Open About What I find Attractive About Women I Like
Why did I chose not to act?
Because I fear having my interest not returned in kind. I would feel embarrassed.
How would I feel if this did happen?
I would feel embarrassed.
Why would you feel this way?
Because I would feel like a failure, and alone.
Why?
Because I feel I should be competent and “hot” enough to get her to want to view me sexually.
why?
Because I fear not feeling in control of the situation.
Why?
Because I fear feeling pain of embarrassment of loneliness.
Why?
Because I feel weak, helpless, and powerless against it.
So, the reason I did not act was because I was afraid of feeling weak, powerless, and helpless.
Once you know the core fears holding you back, it now becomes possible to start changing your pathway from avoiding feeling these sensations and instead move toward taking actions that will create the opposite of those sensations.