A Break

…I just came back from a night out.  This week has been intense.  I’ve been really aware of my listening to others, of my style of connection.  It’s been an eye opening experience.  I’ve got a long way to go and worry that I may not be able to change over 20 years of competitive listening.

Bottom line: even after this week I still feel lonely.  You know how I know? Because I’m sitting here on my porch writing this post and thinking of the last person I felt a deep connection with, knowing she is only yards away from me right now.

Earlier today I had a great interaction with a girl.  I now can say with about 80% certainty that I am rarely as needy as I once was.  I have a deep sense of confidence in my abilities to cultivate my own sense of power and fulfillment through my actions.  The other 20% are wild card factors, such as moods, stress, tiredness, forgetfulness, or even seeing a rare HB 1000.  My interaction with this girl left me feeling a strong sense of connection.  I listened-through.  I listened-to.  She shared.  I shared.   But, something more happened.  We created something new together.  Riffing off of our conversation, we created novel ways of speaking about something as common as Google stalking people.  We took what was ordinary and made it something extraordinary, even if it ultimately means very little.  In the scheme of feeling a sense of “connecting,” moments like this are something that I personally crave.  I left our conversation feeling a sense of power and connection that I had not felt in a while.  And, in that moment, I thought: “wow, if I could feel like this more often, I would really be able to just allow everyone in my life to be even more free.”  The thought of that, a life like that, is something worth striving for.  I was not needy in the slightest.  I was simply present in the moment with her. If I could be as present with everyone in my life, I would feel much more connections.

I have come such a long way.  But, over 20 years of neediness and half-assed living is a lot to overcome with one single conversation.  They must become a practice, a common feature of my life.  As I mentioned, after all, I am still feeling lonely.

It is obvious that what I desire to “scratch” this connection “itch,” involves connecting with a girl that I find attractive.  It’s not enough for her to be great to look at, she must have a depth to her, a core of passion and a warmth.  I’ve described my own idea of this woman, the so called, “woman of my dreams” on the AI forums.  It was actually and exercise from GetReal.

Tonight I went out.  I felt unready.  I meditated.  I ate.  I went out to meet some friends.  I had one purpose for the night: “To allow myself to experience the emotions of others.”  I wanted to literally feel through them, beyond their words.  To feel the emotions they display, to BE them.   I was not very successful. 🙂  It really was a disaster.  As I approached the bar, I could feel my energy just sinking away.  I felt unready.  I felt lazy.  It was going to take some serious effort to push through this.  I don’t know.  Maybe it was the whole week of pushing through my listening deficiencies, but I just could not get myself out of my own head and in to the flow and moment of the interaction.  All of my friends were having a great time! They were laughing, joking, dancing…I was calmer, quiet.  I felt tired.  Self-conscious.

I thought that maybe a change of venue might help.  So, as we decided to bounce to another bar, I looked forward to going to a bar that had high energy.  Well, it turns out that half of the campus popular had a similar idea! We walked towards a popular bar and it was literally crawling, sprawling, glowing and sparkling with people (and oh so beautiful girls).  The line was long to get in and intimidated the group I was with. Line waiting was just not in the cards for my crew.

Now here is the thing: at this point I had a desire to be at that bar.  My friends wanted to go elsewhere.  Do I follow my friends or follow my desire, my purpose?  I decided to follow my friends.  At that point, I made up my mind that I would go to another bar so long as it too was “hoppin,'” otherwise I would just go home.  My friends opted for a more laid back bar.  Not quite what I was desiring, but, and here is the crazy thing, I just felt “over it.”  You know? I was tired.  I was lost in my head.  I was waiting for my friends to give me permission to have a good time, and I would not even meeting them half way.  Tonight, I even sucked at being needy.

So I went home, leaving my friends to do their more laid back thing.

How did this feel? Lonely and disempowering.  When I feel this, I immediately begin thinking of the last girl I connected deeply with. Not because I miss her, but because her memory is the most concrete sign for the kind feeling of connection I’m seeking.

So here I sit, tired and emotionally drained from a week of pushing my limits of listening.  I’m giving myself permission to fail and not make it mean something about me.  It just is.  Tomorrow, I continue to work towards building the life I want.  But tonight…tonight, I’m done.  I guess I needed a break