The Point
…I know that I am, right now, the man of my dreams…
But, the question is, do I believe it?
I think I have hit a whole new journey, the journey towards believing that I am already who I need to be to have the life I’ve always wanted.
What led to this insight?
Here is the deal. This summer I have pushed myself in ways that I never imagined possible. Here are some of the things I have accomplished this summer:
1. Finished my pre-prospectus
2. Created innovative online “lectures” for my job
3. Apologized to my father for over a decade of silence
4. Learned how to ollie a skateboard (I also want to add here: I learned how to Salsa Dance, lessons and all)
5. Learned how to ride a motorcycle, and got my motorcycle license/certification
6. Put on a good amount of lean muscle mass (which, if truth be told, still remains to be developed)
7. Am working towards a “community service” project
8. Developed a consistent practice of guided meditation
9. No longer fear going to bars or clubs by myself
10. And, this one is huge: I accept who I am and whatever the world throws at me…
All of the above represented a deep fear that has kept me from acting to do the things above. There is another list I am currently working on, but that is for another day. The point is, every thing on that list represents my attempt to face some kind of fear or barrier in my life. With my father it was fighting through a decade worth of pride, to let him know that I was sorry for blaming him for my own discomfort. For my pre-prospectus, it is fighting through what perhaps every grad student must fight through: the idea that you are not good enough. For guided meditation is was the belief that I can actually focus deeply on one thing while tuning out all other distractions (I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD in the past). With the “bars” is was all about my own self-insecurity, that is, yes, I am still very insecure. But, being able to go to bars by myself is a bit like how other people might face a fear of heights…I am NOT some master pickup artists and nor am I some “asshole” (more on this below).
This summer has been the most incredible and fun summer in over ten years. I’ve gone out, met new people, tubed down a freaking river, I’ve talked to pretty girls, I’ve worked hard…seriously, I have been livin’ the dream…
This week, I kept a log of everything I spent time doing. I was amazed to find that everything I am doing is something that is working towards the life I want. I never thought that I actually could add up all the hours of my week and find, that at the end of it all, I’m doing exactly what I’ve always wanted to do: pursue my freedom. I am, right now, the man I hoped I’d be.
Is there more to this? Yes. Tonight, for instance, I learned once more that I have no control over what others think about me. One girl in particular believes that I am an “asshole.” Now, mind you, this is the kind of asshole that stands in complete opposition to who I am hoping to be. In her mind, I am an “asshole,” you know the kind. The kind that uses and abuses women, the kind that are so damn needy they burden women with the responsibility of making them happy. For me, now, at this point, it’s about finding those women who are willing and able to just drop all the games and just be real. If that appears as an asshole to some, well…can I really control that? Not so much.
See, she knows about this blog. Oh yes, she does. Her assessment? “It will not work.” When I asked her to explain a bit more, she simply said, “you know, you won’t be successful. If you truly are ‘real,’ then why must you think so hard on it? You think too much.” Is she right? Of course she is! She is completely 100% right. It’s a bit like a guy who walks around calling himself “honest” when no one ever accused him of ever being dishonest in the first place. “Me thinks you doth protest too much,” to paraphrase a well know quote.
This blog, I guess, for some people, is a form of insincerity. “It is your actions that should prove your point, not your words,” she says to me. I agree. How can you not? We are, we “AI followers,” all about action right? She is completely accurate. Again, women are so much smarter than me. But, this is who I am. I am a guy who is willing to share his foibles, his stories about what is going on in his life as he attempts to work through it all. I’m sure there are some women out there that can appreciate that…actually, I’ve met them. They are out there. This is who I am. I am a guy who can express and is willing to express himself, his insecurities, his insights, his struggles. This is me. Or, at least, it seems this is me. Is she right? Am I just giving bullshit to people? There is only one person who can say for sure…and it is not her, is it? It’s me.
And, all I can say right now is: she is right. There is much more space for me to travel through. I am so appreciative for her honesty with me. She stood before me like a mirror, cutting through the bullshit. She is saying, “no you are not the guy you think you are.” I bought her a drink to show my appreciation. We then, as we danced, exchanged the whole bit about me being an asshole, to which I simply replied, “tell me honestly, have you ever given me a chance? Or did you simply make up your mind that I am in fact an asshole?” I subsequently left her in her sense of amusement that she, “had someone, and I did not” (referring of course to the fact that I am dating no one and, well, she is). If the end of the game was to “have someone,” then clearly she is the “winner.” But for me, it’s not about having “someone,” it’s about connecting deeply with someone, not to possess, not to “win,” but to experience a world with others in a light and fun way. It’s not about winning or losing, or having or getting, for me. It’s about how much do the people in my life appreciate a life of self-improvement? Do they get me? Do they even want to try to get me, or do they prefer their own prejudgments?
Yesterday I found myself in a conversation with three married girls. MY GOODNESS! What a great experience that was! These women had nothing to hide, their ring fingers told the story. They were relaxed, open and expressive. I asked them, “so, how different is it now, you know, that you no longer have to be ‘on guard’ thinking guys are going to ‘hit on you’ or ‘want to get something from you?'” Each one expressed so much relief about being married and no longer having to worry about guys, “thinking with their dicks” (their words). See that? For these girls, most (if not all), guys have one thing in mind: get you into bed. Fuck those PUA’s out there who write books such as “How to get any women into bed.” These women expressed to me and my buddies how they are “taught” from a young age to be “cautious” about guys. Unfortunately, this means that some really genuine nice guys are passed over because they are thought to be “assholes,” or worse, some women find themselves open to some guys who are “nice,” not realizing that they are “nice” for all the wrong reasons. That is, a good number of “nice guys” are nice because they want to “get” something as well. Thankfully, most women, in my experience know how to sniff these guys out, in fact, sometimes some women may even “use” these guys for the ego-boost they so desperately need. These women where so relaxed in their body postures. They gave no “fuck,” they were even tahnkful for the great conversation both myself and my buddies where able to give them. We wanted nothing. We simply talked to them. Each one literally “thanked” us, individually, as we left for the night.
All this being said, here is my point. If you know me and you are reading this, great! This is who I am. If you only know me through this blog, great! It does not get more real than what I have taken time and effort to express here in writing. I’m not simply trying to “get” something. This is just me. I’m doing what I must to create the life I want. Supporting and participating on this blog is part of who I am. I’ve accomplished so much this summer, I feel a sense of power and I am beginning to learn how I can experience connection with others. Is this all about me? Yes. This is my blog. Do I think too much? Yes. I do. But it is who I am. Do I like to hear myself talk? YES, OF COURSE I DO.
I am, right now, who I am and I OWN this! There is no other me somewhere in the future, there is just me now working towards the life I want. This is a great adventure! It’s too bad that some of the people closest to me are not willing to celebrate in my successes. Instead, they show the most enthusiasm when they are on the attack, when they can say: “why are you doing this?”
And here it is…how do I know that I am living the life I want, right now? That I am the man of my dreams? Because it (my life) makes no sense to some people. They might consider me vain, and asshole, a fake, insincere…I accept that. But it just doesn’t stop me (yes, it sucks I have to write that out, that it “doesn’t stop me,” thus perhaps making this all seem trite or cliche), but I just know there are other guys out there for whom these words might right true. And, if not, it’s cool too. This is my life and I’m willing an open to share it with anyone…and, when it comes to women, I am willing to share it with those special girls who get it. And By the way, those girls are out there, I’ve met them…
But, all this being said…do I actually believe the bullshit I have written above? Do I really feel I am the man of my dreams? Yes and No. I do not BELIEVE I am, but I KNOW I have all I’ll ever need to become so. I can say I am all I want, but until I personally feel that I am living it, then I am not. Or, better yet, like the pretty girl tonight said, “once my actions speak louder than words,” then, I guess, all talk won’t matter much, will it? I am not being down on myself here. I’ve made great and amazing strides, but a pretty girl tonight reminded me I have a ways to go. I accept that challenge. I will pursue that challenge not for her, but for me. In fact, as the list above shows, I’ve been pushing myself all summer. It’s just not about her or any other person…it’s all about me. This summer has been all about action. In the end, its about pursuing those actions that, in accomplishing them, I demonstrate to myself (and no one else) that I am that elusive man of my dreams.