Accepting One’s Beatings
The Father of General Semantics, Alfred Korzybski, once offered advice for pursuing happiness. Basically, happiness is having minimum expectations while maintaining maximum effort/motivation to one’s projects. See, he felt that people with high expectations (perhaps, beyond reality) would be prone to perpetual dissatisfaction because the expectation could not align with reality. Nonetheless, he understood that happiness is built on effort. Unfortunately, sometimes when our expectations are thwarted time and time again, we may feel demoralized and feel like effort is useless. We, in short, get “beaten down.”
We learn to expect little not because we understand that our expectations must be measured, but because we’ve learned through repeated disappointments that it is useless to have expectations. Well, this week Ive paid close attention to those moments of thwarted expectations, of beatings. Literally, in one case this week, a physical beating. Korzybski believed that we could arrive at a state of “minimum expectations” without the beatings, if we could only learn how to become more aware of the nature of reality and its relation to the language we use to describe it. (BTW, Korzybski’s work helped inspire what we know today as Neuro-Linguistic Programing).
But my question is: Why even attempt to avoid one’s beatings? Why not accept those beatings and learn from them? Can beatings be instructive? Can beatings teach us something? Is disappointment, failure, frustration, or sadness instructive? What can they teach us? What would happiness be like if, instead of minimizing expectations and avoiding beatings, we accepted those expectations and frustrations as the very inspiration of our motivation and effort?
This week was all about paying close attention to moments of dissatisfaction (and satisfaction) and listening closely to what those emotions tell me about my One Perfect Day. See, dissatisfaction occurs because something is not living up to expectations, to what I desire, to what I want my life to be like. Every dissatisfaction is a kind of gift, an insight into “what needs to be done” next to create the life I desire. But, you have to listen closely and be willing to feel the dissatisfaction, frustration, and vulnerability that comes from putting yourself out there in openness and courage. It’s not easy. It’s not very common, either. Most people, in my experience, tend to shy away from pain and frustration, from sadness and disappointment, preferring the equaled footing of a calm psyche or conscience and the safety of their well worn vices.
Below are some of the more vibrant and intense emotional reactions I had this week (positive and negative). Beneath each is an interpretation of those moments (Emotion) and their relation to the life I desire (A.K.A my One Perfect Day). The emotion tells me what it is I desire. Then, knowing this, I can work to make that happen, to realize that expectation, to live up to my own expectations.
1. This week I had a conversation with a cute girl in my department. Our conversation was cheeky, fun and light. She laughed a lot and has, literally, an award winning smile.
The Emotion I felt was a sense of: Connection/Freedom
Desire: Fun light interactions with pretty women without concern for offending or negative judgment.
2. This week I made an effort to smile and say “hi” to people whilst just walking around campus. Ever so often some one would smile and say, “hello” in response. Which was nice. But it was just great being able to express myself through a smile.
The Emotion I felt was a sense of: Connection/Freedom
Desire: I desire to feel a sense of Power, of the certainty that I can, if I want to, meet, engage, and invite new people into my life.
3. This week I was literally beat up. During my Goshin Jitsu class, we learned how to take a punch, to literally roll with the punches. This sucked so much ass! This was not a good feeling, and I’m not talking about its physical sensation. I’m talking about a very disgusting feeling of powerlessness. I learned that I DO NOT like to be hit, at all. I remember feeling uncertain while I was being pummeled. I did not know if I could take those punches if they were REALLY punches. It hurt. My ears rang. My body felt tired as I received body blows and head shot between the cover of my gloves. I remember thinking, “If he was going at me for REAL I would be knocked out.” I left that night from practice feeling like such a chump…more on this next…
Emotion: Uncertainty/ Weakness/ Powerlessness
Desire: Ability to roll with punches with conviction, to take a punch, to accept a punch.
4. As I was being punched, I could not help but look into the eyes of the kid (15 years younger than I) who was punching me. The kid’s look in his eye was sooooooo clear to me. His eyes said: “I OWN YOU…YOU ARE MY BITCH.” Of course, this makes sense because he was one of the advanced students in the class and was fucking muscle-y. I stood there helpless as we were instructed to simply take the punches, to get used to being hit. It was, of course, the worse case scenario…and it SUCKED ASS!
Emotion: Weak/Powerless
Desire: Fight/power…or, the confidence of my own place among men and what I am capable of…
5. This week I became painfully aware of just how little people share emotions with one another. When I listen to the conversations that go on, there is so much judgement, gossip, and “safe” conversation. It’s not uncommon to hear all kinds of disclaimers like “Not to be judgmental, but…” or “no offense, but…” or simply all sorts of qualifications. On top of that, there is a sense of “safe topics,” namely gossip and complaints about work, or the sharing of stories about things, and stuff. Rarely do people open up to others about their vulnerabilities, challenges, or even the sheer joys they’ve experienced. It all “content” based sharing. There is a strange kind of “mutual using” going on between people, as if each side is simply being used for amusement and an entertaining way to past time by the other. Few people seem to be willing to connect at a deeper level of emotions or shared desires for being more than simply “good enough.”
Emotion: Frustration/loneliness
Desire: To accept that some people just cannot or are not willing to go deeper in their self expression. I desire to find others who share my core desires and zeal for spontaneous self-expression.
6. This week I continued to feel a lifelong sense of worrying about how I am being “characterized.”
Emotion: loneliness
Desire: To source my sense of “connection” from my own actions rather than the appraisal of other people. To live my truth.
7. This week I tried many times to talk to “that girl” and failed to follow through. This week I tried to sit in tension, and failed. Then, I would beat myself up when I fail to live up to my own best self (my truth).
Emotion: Frustration/Guilt
Desire: Accept my failures and keep working towards my truth, which includes being openly expressive and free.
8. This week was great because I sometimes was able to actually go up to random people (women in particular) and simply ask: “How’s your day going?” Surprisingly, some seemed to be really willing to share, though most simply said “OK. ” In either case, I felt a sense of power and connection.
Emotion: Connection/Power
Desire: I desire a world where people are open to getting to know one another and share their experiences.
9. This week I had to face a bit of confrontation. I had been having a hard time getting in contact with a professor. I sent email after email. But, no reply. So, I decided to show up at his classroom. I went to his classroom, waited until class was over, then I pounced. What should’ve felt like a strong standing up for what I know is “right” (namely that in my O.P.D., people respect one another enough to respond to emails), instead felt filled with tension. I started to laugh as the tension built. When he saw me I simply smiled. Then, after he first admitted that he had read the emails but failed to respond, I simply laughed again and commented that “It’s ok.” But it is NOT OK. Nonetheless, I continued to laugh it all off and joked about simply being curious about whether he was actually still alive and teaching at the university. I simply did not like how I handled that. See, I laughed because I was nervous about the tension I created in tracking him down in person and showing up at his class. How can I expect to ever stand up for what I want with a sense of conviction when I’m laughing to cover over what I feel is a lack of conviction.
Emotion: Nervousness/Loneliness
Desire: To accept confrontation and the potential loneliness that comes of putting yourself out there…of being vulnerable.
10. This week I was able to experience a few good moments when people share who they are with me. Two very cool girls were able to express their likes and wants in life. It was so fucking refreshing! They were not afraid to put themselves out there.
Emotion: Power/Connection (deep)
Desire: I desire a world where people feel open and willing to share their experiences with me. I desire creating a space where women can feel free to feel and be who they are and who they want to be.
11. This week I continued to attempt to maintain eye contact with random people. Keith Johnstone, in his book, “Impro” describes the value of noticing how eye contact can give one a sense of status differences. Well, i’d like to feel that subtly in status that is communicated through eye contact. But, every time I try to maintain eye contact I usually break eye contact first (a submissive quality). I break eye contact because I get lost in my head thinking about how he person I’m looking at might judge me. In short, I’m afraid of feeling loneliness that comes when others reject your advance.
Emotion: Frustration/loneliness
Desire: This one is all about self-expression, standing and facing my desires with strength/warmth of a guy who is simply open and accepting. I desire a life where the thoughts in my head about what “should” be socially acceptable are simply accepted but not resisted as I direct my focus to following my purpose.
12. This week, I was reminded about someone that I once cared deeply for. Actually, I think about her all the time. I wonder how she is doing, if she is safe, and how well she is living. I have no idea what’s going on in her life, except for a few rumors I hear, here and there. I feel sad. This feeling is the feeling of loneliness.
Emotion: Sadness/Loneliness
Desire: To accept my past as something that has made my life better, and to be thankful and appreciative for those women in my life who have helped to show me the kind of man I desire to be.
13. This week I’ve noticed the difficulty of attempting to express something to someone who simply will not give you the opportunity to speak with them. There is a girl I’d really like to “clear the slate” with. Actually, there are two of them. But, both of them are completely unwilling to talk to me.
Emotion: Frustration/loneliness
Desire: I desire to create a world where nothing is left unsaid, left to fester. I desire a world where the women I meet are likewise unafraid to simply be vulnerable and expressive.
14. This week I became painfully aware of the bulk of conversation that occurs between people. I hear others complain and gossip. Sometimes they share similar interests like, cooking, baseball, or some shared event. Not much in the way of sharing at a deeper level goes on. Moreover, there is not much by way of laughter, except for the teasing or playful insulting (negs of a sort) that people engage in. Given that many f these people do not open to each other about their deepest desires or emotions, then cannot connect except through shared experiences of certain topics, events, or interests. Thus, to me, it seems that their “playful” barbs and jabs have a unconscious motive of claiming a kind of superiority over the other person, rather than a humor resting in a deep identification of some kind. They seem to really enjoy gossip and one up-manship, either to see who is the most grieved or who can flash the most humorous story or comment, who can seem the most knowledgeable or the most unaffected, who knows the most gossip or who can simply entertain the most.
Emotion: Anger/Frustration
Desire: I desire a world where the people around me laugh, a lot. But, they have adventures of their own to tell, stories of overcoming adversity, vices, or simply expressing joy. They have no time for gossip and do not care if they are entertaining or not. They say how they feel. They Tell stories of their own struggles and hopes for how they are going to overcome said struggles. I desire my life to be filled people who regularly put themselves out there, living extraordinarily. They have no desire to gossip or complain because their own life is exciting enough. If they complain, then they also explain what they learned from their struggle and how they are going to make changes. They never accept “that’s how it is” as an answer to their issues. They never utter the words: “You know how it is” or “That’s not how the real world works.”
OK, so this is a lot of shit. If you made it this far, congrats! My point was simply this: Accepting one’s beatings is key to happiness. Beatings tell you when something is not aligned with your expectations. Being happy is not had in removing expectations or even reducing them, or even in removing frustration and pain from your life. It is had in living towards those pains and expectations. It is about maximum motivation and effort, but also about simply having the courage to be extraordinary and accept nothing less than maximum effort towards fulfillment of your expectations and desires.
The women I hope to one day attract will expect nothing less, and the guy I hope to be will never give up on his desires. The goal is not to attain these expectations, but to always be working towards them, ever perfecting one’s efforts as my eyes remain squarely on my truth as my guide.