Becoming Bulletproof
…You know that La Roux song that came out a few years back? “This time, baby, I’ll be bullet proof…” I think the song is about cheeseburgers, or something. As I left the office walking into the cool crisp rainy afternoon, I heard this song in my head. Cheeseburgers. It was highly unfortunate. At any rate, my walk widened, by posture was strong, and I had a smile on my face. “This time, baby, I’ll be bullet proof…” One of the biggest challenges I have faced in my life is being reprimanded, especially if I feel I was “right.” I would leave those confrontations bitter, angry, and feeling lonely. I was not bullet proof. Reprimands in the past had the power to crush my world. They are a challenge to my truth to remain poised and well humored in tension/confrontation.
There was a time when I would take bullets…before Get Real or Be Powerful. Here’s a story:
Taking Bullets
Last year around this time, my “supervisor” called me in for a “quick chat.” He reprimanded me. See, I’m currently a teaching assistant. Well, as I was sitting listening to the professor lecture, I got up to go to the restroom. This happened twice on two separate days. He felt this was unacceptable and told me so. “Students need to know that the material is important, and I cannot have you leaving class in the middle of lecture. It gives the wrong impression.” I fell apart. 1. I hated that I could just go to the restroom when I want, after all I’m an adult. 2. I hated that I had to be “chatted” with about this. 3. I was concerned about the impression this event would leave with others in the department, as I could only imagine how it would be characterized by this supervisor to others. I say that I “fell apart” because I can remember feeling so “trapped” so “frustrated” that this professor had all the power in this interaction to define reality, what was and what was not acceptable behavior. I remember feeling frustrated that I could do nothing to reason with him because his perception was “reality,” as he had all the power. As I stood there with him “chatting” at me about my unacceptable behavior, I told him: “this is so frustrating! I try to please everyone and yet here I am again messing up! I didn’t even know that going to the bathroom would be an issue!” I shook. I could feel a knot developing in my throat. I did not feel powerless, I felt disconnected, unaccepted, alone.
Later on that semester I would develop a deep depression and contemplate suicide. Bullet proof? Hardly 🙁
Well, that was last year and before Get Real & Be Powerful.
Like the great Harry Houdini, I can now catch bullets. Check it!
Catching Bullets
Let’s flash forward to today…
This same supervisor calls me in to his office for a “chat.” Once again, he was reprimanding me. See, I’m still a teaching assistant in that same class. This semester I failed to offer my students a chance to review for an exam. I simply ran out of time during the normally scheduled class discussion meeting times. The week of exams all classes and discussion sections were canceled, so I figured I would give students the option to review with me during those times. They would just have to meet me at my office. I told the professor and the other two teaching assistants that I would be doing this. They voiced no concerns. Well, lots of students turned out for my review. When word got around to other teaching assistant’s students that one teaching assistant was having a later review session, the perception was that my students were getting preferential treatment. Students thus complained to their respect teaching assistants and even accused them of not being helpful. My solution to serve my students became a problem because now it seems like the class is unfair in some way. But this was all perception. Nonetheless, reality is a perception. I mean, when you have 300+ students believing they are being treated unfairly, well, no matter how false, the mob wins…especially when you have leadership that cares about perceptions.
So, there I am sitting in his office. He does what I expected. I get my reprimand. Once again: “This gives the wrong impression. We have to work now to make sure they feel fairly treated.” The supervisor understood why I acted as I had. Because, well, I told him why I acted as I had (something I did not do last year). I sat there, calm (unlike last year when I was filled with fear of what others would think). I felt no sense of being shit on, as I had last year, despite the fact that I feel I’ve done nothing “wrong.” I did not feel “reprimanded.” It was simply something that happened. Hell, I knew what was going to happen. I was even able to joke about a bit with others before the meeting. I felt light.
I felt light, but this does not mean I took this lightly. Hardly. I just felt so damn solid in my truth. I remember feeling something like: “I do not answer to him,” oddly enough. In that moment, I can only answer to my truth.
So despite all of my feelings of lightness, when he spoke I listened-through, seriously to his feelings (something I would never had been able to do last year). I could feel that his concern was for his own sense of connection and power. He felt that disparities between teaching assistants, and not providing a “united” front as a team, would eventually show up in his own evaluation as a teacher. He was concerned about how others would evaluate him. Man, I know that feeling all too well! Moreover I could see on his face that that meant something to him. I could empathize with him. So, unlike last year where I stood there uncertain and shaking, this time I was poised and empathetic.
Was he wrong? YES!
Did I care to compete with him at the level of content? NO!
I could feel where he was coming from and could see where I contributed to the problem he identified.
Did I agree? NO! Did I tell him so? YES!
But I was not uncertain about my truth. My confrontation was solid, not rooted in fear, but in my truth. “I really feel where you are coming from, I did what I thought was best for my students. I really get how what I did could affect your evaluation.” I then apologized and thanked him for sharing his concern (Seriously, apologize? I would never be able to do that last year, mostly because of not wanting to appear vulnerable). I then asked him: “So what actions should we take?” And then he proceeded to tell me how we could “rehabilitate” the impression of the students. (His solution, BTW, is actually modeled after what I had just done. Yes, the actions he had just reprimanded, lol.) I did not feel attacked this time. Probably because I did not feel “wrong.” “Right and wrong” were not issues for me in that moment.
In that moment, the only issue that mattered to me was how well I lived my truth in my response to this challenge. I knew that how I responded to this challenge is what mattered more than the outcome. Because the quality of my response was my focus and purpose, I found myself listening-through naturally, being present fully, and speaking/living my truth with a sense of certainty, naturally. I was within myself while also present to his concerns. I felt not nervous, but lightness. I was poised. I did the best I could. The rest is out of my control.
What a change! Last year I would’ve blamed the supervisor for being inept, for being a dolt. Last year I would’ve worried what impression this might give of me to others. I would worry about how much I suck.
Not this time. “This time, baby, I was, um…cheeseburgers”