On Ex’s
I recently had a conversation with a girl. I shared with her how I felt about some of my Ex’s. I miss them. Not one, but most of them. On this particular day, I expressed to this girl how one girl in particular is someone that I miss. She could tell by the way I just allowed myself to be affected by my memories and the feelings that I really do miss these women.
Her response to me?
“It sounds like you have some feelings you haven’t let go of.” I said, “yeah, you’re right.” This is why I love women. When it comes to bullshit detecting, they are the best. True masters.Though she was accurate to notice my feelings, she was not quite right when it comes to what my feelings are exactly about, what they mean.
It is very common for people to miss other people. And, I am certain that most people when asked “what is it that you miss about someone?” they will answer with a series of qualities that person has, perhaps that “no one” else has. “A great smile.” “Awesome energy.” “A big heart.” “Beauty.” For most people it is all too obvious that if you can still speak fondly, even longingly, for someone you used to date, then it must be that you are not “over” that person.
Well, not quite. Have you read Logun’s post on Getting Over Ex’s Getting Over Ex’s ? If not, do so, even if you don’t have an ex you are “getting over.” One of the keys to getting over an Ex he talks about is getting clear on what it is you actually miss about that person. Hint: It’s not anything to do with that person. (BTW, the dreaded one-itus is solved by simply reading that one article). So, the girl I was talking with was right to say I still had feelings, but she was not quite right to think that those feelings had anything to do with any particular person.
Rather, it’s all about how I felt when I was with that person. I miss the feelings I had when I was with that person. I miss the way her smell would fill me with excitement. I miss the way her sense of humor would fill me with feelings of connection. I miss the way her questions and conversation would fill me with curiosity. I miss the way holding her filled me with a sense of humility and comfort. I miss walking in to a room with her and knowing that she was the center of attention and how nervous I felt that I would have to “defend her honor.” I miss the way…etc… I felt powerful, connected, free.
What I miss about my Ex’s is how I felt when I was with them. As my academic mentor, and media ecologist, Corey Anton describes: “What makes someone who they are is who you are when you are with them.” What I miss about my Ex’s can never, ever be “gotten over” because the feelings that I felt with them are feelings I continue to value and seek to this day. It’s not about them, it’s about how I felt when I was with them. It was who I was when I was with them that I miss. Power. Connection. Freedom.
So, when my friend says, “it sounds like you have feelings you haven’t let go of,” she is right. And those feelings are a gift. I hope I never get over those feelings. Those feelings tell me what I want out of life. In fact, so deep is my desire for these feelings that over 10 years later I continue to remember and feel those feelings when thinking of my Ex’s. And the fact that those relationships did not work out tells me even more, namely that I have yet to become the kind of guy that attracts the types of women I desire.
I believe that the art of natural disqualification is simply becoming aware of those feelings and emotions that you are seeking and accepting nothing less. I am so THANKFUL for my Ex’s, every single one. Those feelings I had with them, which are simply a spontaneous part of who we were together, are what I seek today in every woman I meet.
Now, should I not meet someone with whom I might feel those feelings, I’m still very clear on what feelings I actually valued in those relationships and so can source those feelings through other means other than through women, or even those memories. If I value “connection,” for instance, then I can go out and share some part of myself with others or meet people who are willing to share in return. If I value power, for instance, then I can go out and push myself and face a fear of some kind. And so on…
So, yes. I have not gotten over my feelings for my Ex’s. And for the first time in my life, I am very thankful for missing them at times. In missing them, I am reminded of the feelings I desire in life and thus what “needs to be done.” And what is that which “need to be done?” Simple…
Taking actions, getting out there at sourcing those feelings! Connect with people, push my edge, live my truth and share something about myself…which brings us back to the beginning of this story…